Find your self in a relationship where the love is only from one person? These tips might help you!
“My life is brilliant. My love is pure.
I saw an angel. Of that I’m sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won’t lose no sleep on that,
‘Cause I’ve got a plan.
You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause I’ll never be with you.”
Whether you have suffered from unrequited love or not, these lovely lyrics from the song “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt will make your heart ache a bit. Probably one of the reasons why this song became wildly popular was because millions of people, both young and old, could identify with the emotion. It has happened with the best of us at some point in our lives and the first and most important thing to understand is that it is NOT our fault.
The language used to describe unrequited love is such that it appears to be the sufferer’s fault. Phrases like “getting rejected” and “coping with rejection” build a negative picture about the phenomenon. The “rejected” person feels personally responsible for the rejection and blames himself/herself for it. He/she may see it as a criticism or judgement of himself/herself and develop low self-esteem. He/she may also begin to believe that he/she is not “worth” loving.
A person may decline a proposal of romantic interest because he/she is already engaged, is emotionally unavailable, or is simply in a bad mood. We may be the brightest, the funniest, the most beautiful, the most intelligent, and the kindest person around, but the object of our affection may still not feel the same way about us. In fact, it isn’t “you” who has been rejected, it is your offer that has been declined. Since every person is different, just because person rejected your offer does not mean that “everyone” will treat you the same way.
The negative language that surrounds rejection in love causes the rejected person to develop inaccurate or distorted perceptions about himself/herself. That’s where it becomes dangerous and may lead to harmful activities or conditions like self-injury, depression, extreme isolation, loss of interest in life, and attempts to commit suicide.
Nevertheless, the bitter feelings that come with unrequited love are not easy to deal with. Being in a one-sided relationship is a lot like having withdrawal symptoms after one has given up an addiction. There are strong urges to return to the object of one’s affection, even if one knows that it will bring them misery in the long run. Rehabilitation is tough, and sometimes people need to go through the process repeatedly in order to rid themselves completely of the addiction. In a somewhat similar manner, you will need to be persistent and exercise a strong will in order to heal yourself.
What are some of the things that you can do that will ACTUALLY help you overcome a one-sided relationship?
1. Get to closely know who you’re in love with.
Oftentimes, we are in love with an image of our beloved that we have built in our own head. The reality may be quite different. For example, beneath that smooth-talking exterior, the guy of your dreams may be a manipulative, patriarchal person. You will need to interact with the person on a closer level to understand what he is really like. Befriending the person with the intention of getting to know him better may be a good start.
A problem with this approach, however, is that we tend to wear rose-colored glasses so far as our beloved is concerned. We will need to remove the blindfold from our eyes and the block in our head before we can evaluate a person for what he/she really is. One way in which you can do this is to tell yourself that for the relationship to work well, you must be compatible. Many differences in personality and habits cannot be resolved, no matter how much either party wants it to happen.
To prevent a lot of heartbreak and misery at a later stage, tell yourself that you should choose your partner smartly. True love comprises mutual respect; it does not mean that one partner sacrifices their lives for the other’s benefit.
When you really get down to exploring the various facets of your beloved’s personality, you may be a bit shocked to find that what you think you’re in love with is just a shell. Worse still, it may be a mask!
If you’re unable to interact with the person, try to find out all you can through common friends. You may be surprised (and not unpleasantly) to discover that you’ve been in love with a mirage all along.
2. Accept that your beloved is never going to feel the same way about you.
This is a super-tough way, but if you master it, it will save you plenty of agony.
Begin by understanding that the person you love is not declining “you” because of some “fault” in you. They are declining the idea of a romantic relationship with you, for whatever reason. And their acceptance or rejection is beyond your control. You do not have any influence on their response, nor can you “cause” the rejection due to some factor.
You could be an exemplary human being, but there will always be that person who cannot feel romantically for you. We’re spoiled and misled by romantic novels and Bollywood movies, where you just need to persistently stalk your beloved in order to make him/her fall in love with you. Understand that this does not happen in real life. The entertainment industry is selling us pipe dreams. It is also disrespectful to invade someone’s personal space repeatedly, especially after he/she has clarified that they’re not comfortable with it. Stalking is a legal offence in India—as has been amply clarified by the case of Varnika Kundu and Vikas Barala in Chandigarh that has recently hit the national headlines.
3. Don’t give up on your social life—widen your network instead.
Keeping busy is an antidote for problematic matters of the heart. Psychologists recommend indulging in activities that require logic to prevent yourself from obsessing over a problem.
When your love is not returned by a person, you begin to feel that any contact, outside of your beloved, is useless. This behavior feeds the seeds of depression and you find yourself wallowing in a pool of self-pity.
Do you find yourself so prostrate that you cannot focus on doing the things that you love? Seek out the company of friends and family and do things together. Staying alone with your thoughts contributes to a vicious cycle of negativity in your head.
Find a new hobby or a class to join—and make new friends at the group.
Even the simple act of stepping out-of-doors does a lot to lift one’s spirit. If there’s a park nearby that you can visit, take the opportunity. Conversation with people from different walks of life can do much to alter your world view.
Who knows, you may even meet a new person who sparks your interest!
If you have honestly tried all these tips and still feel rudderless, you can speak to our expert counselors at Askmile.com anonymously.