Sexual problems troubling you after marriage? 10 tips from experts on how to reignite the fire of passion with your partner

The desire to attain complete sexual health is inherent within all human beings. Read on to find out what you can do to improve your sexual life.

“I am too tired, not today.” “I am not in the mood right now, honey. Some other time please?”

How many of us have heard these lines from our spouse time and again and gone back to reminiscing the good old honeymoon phase where every day was Valentine’s Day and you just could not seem to keep your hands off each other!


On the other hand there are also some of us who feel “I wish he/she were better in bed.” Or “I wish I was able to perform better”.

However much it is not talked about, many of us undeniably face issues with our sexual lives with our partners. Be it cause we ourselves are not able to perform, or our partner is not able to perform, or has the passion just faded out for the other over the years?…

Sexual need is as strong a need as thirst or hunger. We are sexual beings and it is only natural that when these needs are not met by our partners or if we are not able to fulfill them, we are filled with feelings of frustration that affects other aspects of our life and leave us angry, grumpy and unsatisfied or even devastated in life.


Causes behind not being able to perform sexually:

If you or your partner is facing such a problem in your relationship, read on to find out what could be the causes behind not being able to perform and what you can do about them.

smokingPhysical causes such as diabetes, heart disease, liver disease, kidney disease, pelvic injury, neurological disorders, side effects of medications, thyroid, alcohol abuse or drug abuse, fatigue and tiredness or hormonal changes can all affect our sex drive and reduce our ability to perform sexually.

Psychological causes such as stress or anxiety from work or family issues and responsibilities, concern about their ability to perform sexually, conflicts in your relationship with your partner, depression or anxiety issues, unresolved sexual orientation issues, previous traumatic sexual or physical experience, body image or self-esteem problems can also affect you or your partner emotionally and this may affect your sex drive and reduce your ability to perform.

Interpersonal relationship. Issues such as partner performance and a sense of discomfort in his/her positions, lack of emotional connect with your partner, the quality of the relationship and also lack of privacy can affect you or your partner emotionally and this may affect your sex drive and reduce your ability to perform.

Socio-cultural influence such as inadequate sex education. conflict with religious, personal, or family values with regard to sexual activities and indulgence and also social taboos can affect you or your partner and this may affect our sex drive and reduce our ability to perform. Psychologist Helen S Kaplan believed that many sexual issues had superficial causes.  For example, a patient may be having sexual problems simply because they lack knowledge and understanding.  If this is the case, simply offering information and instruction can be helpful.

Some other issues include difficulty experiencing orgasm, difficulty maintaining erections, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, painful intercourse, sexual addiction or compulsive masturbation.

Here are 10 common strategies to help you or your partner reconnect sexually:

1. Visit a doctor to rule out any physical symptoms


If you or your partner is experiencing any sexual issues, the first step is to rule out any physical causes for the same. In such a case, it is important that you understand the limitations that this comes with. Be understanding of yourself or your partner’s limitations and provide the emotional support needed to come to terms with it. Follow the doctor’s advice in taking regular medications and make necessary adjustments to your sexual life to suit both your needs keeping in mind the limitations of the physical ailment.

2. Helping yourself or your partner develop realistic and appropriate goals

You or your partner may need help understanding male and female sexual response and what is arousing for you and your partner as individuals. You may not have explored your sexual responses, you may be pretending to have orgasms or may be anxious or inhibited by your sexuality, or you may engage in a set pattern of sexual activity that is not arousing or satisfying to your partner. Exploration of wants, needs sexual turn ons or turn offs can be used. Education about a sexual problem is often the first step in the treatment process and helps you and your partner better define your needs, goals, and expectations.

3. Exploration of sexual fantasies.

Fantasizing about seexplore-sexual-fantasiesx is often a good step in recharging desire. Many women (particularly those in long-term relationships) do not have spontaneous sexual thoughts or fantasies, may be receptive to sex if mentally or physically stimulated. Sex therapists may recommend bibliotherapy- the use of (erotic) books or videos- to spur fantasies. In addition, share your fantasies with your partner and improve relationship communication about what you and your partner find arousing and help yourself revive an otherwise boring sexual script or repertoire.

4. Identifying contextual catalysts for sexual activity. 

Review of the context in which sexual activity typically occurs in your life—i.e. the sexual script—including the time of day, the interval between sexual encounters, and the way your partner indicates his/her desire for intimacy. Use these catalysts to increase your and your partner’s desire for sex, arousal, and satisfaction.


5. Cueing exercises. 

Try and remember instances in your life when you felt sexy and had a good and satisfactory level of sexual desire. Recall your physical appearance, the setting, the smells in the air, the music you were hearing at that time and use these as “cues” for feeling sexual now.

6. Practicing exercises.

Take turns pleasuring one another so each of you have a heightened awareness of what types of strokes and caresses are most arousing and can convey that information to your partner. Begin with limited sensual massage of the face, hands and neck and progresses over time to include sexual intercourse.

7. The practice of mindfulness.

mindfulMost people have become multitaskers in an effort to keep up with everyday life. You may take this approach to your sexual life and rush unfocused through intercourse as well, leaving little room for sufficient arousal, enjoyment, or satisfaction. Women with desire and arousal disorders are particularly vulnerable to being distracted by stressors during sexual encounters. The practice of mindfulness teaches you to focus on the here and now and on all of your sensations—sight, smell, hearing, touch, and taste—and to push distracting thoughts away. The technique can be particularly helpful in educating yourself about the way your body responds to sexual stimuli.

8. Exploring alternate forms of sexual expression.

This can include education on sensual massage; fondling and caressing; mutual masturbation; manual, oral, and anal stimulation techniques; use of sexual enhancing toys (vibrators) and trying alternative sexual positions (other than the missionary position) for sexual intercourse.

9. Addressing sexual boredom.

A couple who has been together for many years often falls into a sexual routine that is unimaginative and boring, often called a sexual rut, that can dampen desire. To revive this type of a sexual life, try changing the venue for sex (moving it out of the bedroom, for instance, and into the back seat of the car or to a hotel room), as well as sex education books and videos to cull for new techniques.

10. Sex therapy or counselling.

If you have tried all or most of the above mentioned tips and still have not found any satisfactory resolution, it might help to speak with an expert who would be able to identify and help you understand your issues better and facilitate a process towards resolution of it.Sex therapy is a specific type of counselling designed to treat sexual problems affecting both individuals and couples. It typically begins with exploring the sexual issues that a couple may be facing, learning about sex and then moves on to teaching the couple how to establish open lines of communication to discuss sexual wants and needs. The couple may also explore issues causing relationship stress.

If you are facing any sexual issues in your marriage that is taking a toll on your relationship, speak with our counsellors on an anonymous and secure platform and work with your therapist in addressing these issues at