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Divorced mother with daughter, in relationship with married colleague without proof

Asked by Female, 35, Divorced
I am in a relationship with my boyfriend since six years. We knew each other since April 2011 through my workplace. I was a divorced mother with a daughter. During this period, he was facing a crisis with his wife. His was an arranged marriage with 2 children. He told me that his divorce papers are ready because his wife hardly used to stay with him. She never used to cook food at home and always she used to be at her parent's place. I am in a relationship with him with full of trust and love. I trust What he says, I was thinking that we will be together after his problem gets settled. Things got complicated On June 2011 when I came to know that he has a girlfriend before me, and she keeps On disturbing me, through call and comes to see me at my compound. I told her, that I was not aware that he has her, and he didn't tell anything about her. We have conflict together ( Me, him and his girlfriend ). I used not call him anymore, but he keeps on searching for me and brings me to see his family (father and mother)and at last, he and his girlfriend broke up and she married another guy. Then On OCT 2011, after all this happened in our relationship I get to know that his wife was pregnant with 3rd child. Which made my life more dark and sad. I was crying nonstop, I used to stop calling him, but he still comes to me, and at last, he divorced his wife after all the fight in court in 2014. During this period, we had ups and downs in the relationship, but we used to travel together and it was fun. We tried to get married in another country, as his country was unable to give easy permission to a married foreigner. The official papers were based on religion acceptance and now it's been 2017 and as per religion they should give some dowry to the married but he didn't until now, he says that he will give me this month, so I am waiting. At the workplace, he used to help me in many ways, but outwardly he used to be selfish and would provide more care to his family (mother and father, and also his 3 sons). I feel as though I used to be his 2nd priority? What should I do, should I go? I used to have stress and sometimes I used to be happy. I am sad because I don't have official paper still, I cant get pregnant and have the child again, and begin a new happy life. Could you give me advice, What should I do?
Answer
Thumb sneha jayagopal
Sneha
Psychotherapist

Dear Writer, thank you for writing in. I can understand that at this point you feel stuck where you're relationship is concerned and hurt from all that you have had to go through. Although I have followed the sequence of events as mentioned in your query I need some clarifications to understand and make recommendations accordingly.
So kindly let me know about your and your partner's nationality and religion respectively is so that I can understand what the requirements and limitations exactly are.
Secondly what keeps standing out in your query is the matter of trust. There seems to be a history of trust issues, current situation included. That apart you also feel neglected because he has personal commitments as a parent that take priority over you.
What you need to ask yourself is what will it take to make you feel secure? Is it financial security or emotional? Getting an official status on your marriage is not in either of your control and you were aware that it may not come through at all. Can you accept that or not? Secondly as much as both of you have enjoyed your travels, how much time have you devoted to working on the relationship that although stood the test of time had so many challenges...? Unless you both have focused your energy on repairing the relationship and letting go of all your baggage, only then can you plan out your future and deal with the lack of a marriage license. It seems as though your partner has a lot of personal things to sort out. You might have to accept that as a parent he needs to prioritise his children and see to their needs. He is yet to find a balance between spending his time equally between you and his kids. You can try talking to him about this and see if there's anything you can suggest to help him manage better, since being a parent yourself you can understand the demands of parenting.
I can understand that your situation can leave you feeling anxious about your future. If you have a support system in the form of family and friends then use it to fall back on at this time.

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