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Dual characters of friends, ignores in group. Now excluded me from group.

Asked by Female, 16, Single
I hate the fact that my friends are so sweet to me when it's only me and that person but when all 6 of us are together they exclude me! They say I apologize too much but that's because when whatever I say is taken in the wrong way and they get mad at me! I am incredibly close to one of these 6 people and she keeps telling me that I'm very important to her and that some of the people out of the 6 are very annoying and materialistic But then when we are all together she doesn't talk to me that much or excludes me and sticks with that person! I'm incredibly optimistic and happy go lucky but when stuffs like this happens all the time it makes me disturbed.
Answer
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Kiran Lakhani
Counselling Psychologist

Hi,

I read through your question and I understand that you get mixed feelings from the friend and you don't know how to handle it.

At the outset, I will tell you that one cannot change how the other person is behaving but can change the perception that we have of it.

Having said that, there are couple of things you can do:

1. Talk to her directly and tell her how you feel. Don't speak about that she is behaving in a wrong manner but share how you feel. So, for example, you can say, I have felt that your behaviour with me changes when we are alone and when we are in group and this really hurts me. I really cherish our friendship and like to understand why does it happen and can we do something about it? OR you can share your feelings in any other manner...focus should be on how you are feeling and would want to do something about it.

2. When in group you feel that she excludes you, is it happening all the time or couple of times in a light moment? If it is happening all the time, the first option will help but if it happens sometimes than do you think instead of feeling bad about it, you too can join the group in being light and joke around things? I understand that it would be difficult but may be when you feel excluded, that is not the real intention of your friend or your group.

It generally happens in a group, one of the person becomes the centre of attention and everyone talks about that one person. If sometimes its you, it can be some other person other times.

3. Also, think of the situation in this manner, in 5 years will all this matter? if yes, then you should do something about it, if not then just have fun in the situation.

I hope this helps.

All the best.

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