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Emotional and physical abuse by boyfriend, refusal to acknowledge relationship

Asked by Female, 23, Single
I am feeling so miserable now. I was in love for 4 years with a guy who emotionally abused me (he was a control freak) and it broke up when I moved abroad. In just a few months I met a guy there and developed feelings for him. He also had the same and suggested that we move in together. I moved in with him last year. I've been living with him for half a year now and he is in search of a girl for marriage. He was never serious about me and didn't see any future in me. He told he loves me but as I'm from a different caste and we have different mother tongues, his parents wouldn't approve for a marriage between us. When he is drunk and unconscious he had blabbered "I love you I want to marry you. You are the only girl who understood me fully. I want a wife like you". But when sober he never acknowledged me even as his girlfriends to his friends or even strangers if they asked him whether I was his girlfriend. He won’t even take a photo with me saying it may become a problem later. I used to do his works for him and was physically intimate whenever wanted. He has physically abused me many times. Should I leave this guy? Do I deserve better? Why does this happen to me always? Is there any problem with me?
Thumb komal
Counseling Psychologist

Hi Writer, thank you for writing in. It takes great courage to reach out for help.

From what I gather, you seem to be in a difficult relationship. You have suffered a great deal while coming out of a 4 year old emotionally abusive relationship. You finally found relief and were able to be ready to invest emotionally in another guy you met and have been living with him since half a year. I understand that it must have been devastating for you to have discovered that he is now finding another girl for marriage. His reasons being that his parents would not accept a girl from a different caste and culture than his. Although he confessed his feelings for you while he was under the influence of alcohol, he does not do the same while he is sober. It must have been very hurtful for you that he does not acknowledge his relationship with you in front of other people. It seems that you are seeking assurance which he is not able to provide to you, leading you to doubt his love for you. You seem to be feeling used as you did all his work and were also sexually involved with him. You also have gone through physical abuse in this relationship.

Firstly I love like to appreciate the courage you have in you for being able to end an abusive relationship in which you invested many years. That is quite a long period of time. You had enough faith in you to give love another chance. In this relationship too, you have endured a lot and again wish to make the right decision for yourself.

Secondly, how would you like me to help you with your situation? What is it that you are hoping to seek through this counselling process? I would like you to give it a thought about what is it that you want to work towards? This relationship or moving on from it? We could see how we could work together towards either of the situations. I understand that decision making would seem extremely difficult for you at this point of time. I am here for you to help you through this entire process.

Sundays being an exception. This space is completely safe for you to express.
Please respond back to continue our discussion. Looking forward to hearing from you.
Warm regards.

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