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Frequent arguments with husband

Asked by Female, 31, Married
My husband and I fight regularly and we have a lot of issues.
Thumb komal
Counseling Psychologist

Fights in a relationship is a part and parcel of it. However, it becomes worthy of attention when they become frequent/ intense or remain piled up unresolved for most part or leave either one with unmanageable thoughts and feelings over time.

For starters, what you could do is understand the issues that you face in your marriage. Jot them down on a piece of paper. For example, if not being able to spend enough quality time together is an issue, write that down. Beside each of such issues, write down a list of things that cause the issue. in this case for example, work pressure/ fatigue/ tiredness/ lack of interest/ spending too much time with TV or friends, etc. In another column, make a list of how you contribute to the problem. For example, I do not let him know that I would like for him to spend time with me rather than watching the TV, I do not suggest him to take me along for his office parties along with other couples, when he does try to talk to me, I go silent out of hurt and do not communicate the same to him and expect him to understand, etc. In the last and final column, make a list of things you could do to turn things around and then finally approach him with your suggestions o what he could also do to contribute in changing things around.

Here's how you can make an effective conversation with your spouse after a fight:
-Take a time out after a fight. It is best not to talk when the air is heated with arguments. Come back to it when things are calmer. This way you both are likely to use words with caution and be more likely to hear out hear other rather than use attacking and defensive modes of communicating.
-Begin the conversation by pointing out the positives of the other. This will help them realise that you are on the same team and make them less prone to attack you or defend themselves.
- Use words with caution. Talk in a way that inspires and is not fault-finding or accusatory/ blaming tone which is likely to put the other off. In communication, 80% matters on how you say what you say.
-Drive the conversation in a way which is solution focused rather than problem focused. Suggest ways to solve the problem rather than talking about the problem.
-Use "I language" rather than "you language" and be specific rather than generalising it. For example: "I was hurt by what you said the other day" rather than "You always hurt me with your words!"
-Do not take your troubles to bed. Resolve them before sleeping.

Going for couple's counselling will also help you both to explore deeper issues in your marriage and help resolve them in a safe understanding space.

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