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Have commitment issues, feeling anxious, guilty, and judgmental

Asked by Female, 25, Single
Hello! I am 25 yrs female. I have some issues regarding my relationship. I have had 2 relationships in past....i personally appreciate having single affair...committing to a relation ship....but i donot lead by example. The first one the boy was after me for some time....i knew that our relationship wouldn't be accepted hence tried to ignore it but then i couldn't get it off my mind and finally accepted it...but throughout the relationship i was judgemental of his every action...scared anxious and doubted that i had any feelings for him after a year we were staying away from each other it was then that I cut him off completely...I suffered through a lot of confusion..and swore that i would never get into another one without being completely sure of myself.... then after a yr or two... there was another guy...he pursued me with all his efforts and all i remember having is mixed feelings of confusion dread(we wouldn't be accepted socially) anger ....it was like him tring to convince me into relationship and me trying to convince him out of it...yet through all this i stuck to him for quite a time... and now i am in a situation where i don't know what to do....to a point that it makes me anxious and i have same obsessive thoughts over and over... at times i think of sticking with my decision and at times of letting go.... i am basically afraid of having to live with guilt.... and seems like i am stuck.... I am asking for a counselling because i really don't know what to do how to do..... sometimes i feel like i have some sort of personality disorder... but i have this kind of problem in my relationship with boyfriends...
Answer
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Madhuri Mohan
Counselling Psychologist

Hi, I can understand your predicament, you are unsure about your future with your current boyfriend because you feel that this union will not be accepted socially. The question you need to ask yourself is " do you love the guy you are with now?" for a moment forget what society or your family will think about the relationship and just focus on whether or not you love him and if you want to be with him, or because he is coercing you, you are in the relationship. Once you gain clarity on this, you will be able to make your decision. Please note that if you do want to be with this guy, then what others think should not matter because no one else can dedicate what you do in your life except you. However, if you do not want to be in the relationship, then it is not fair to you or the guy you are with and by ending things, you are helping both of you move on. Until you are sure that this is what you want, you should not get into any relationship, no matter how much pressure the other person puts on you. If you are having mixed feelings, then it is better to take a step back and evaluate how you feel about the person and if it is really worth pursuing. If you need further guidance please feel free to send me a message and we can talk. :) 

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