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How to spend quality time with wife?

Asked by Male, 42, Married
My wife is very sad because I am not able to spend quality time with her.
Thumb komal
Counseling Psychologist

Sounds like you are very concerned for you wife, which tells me that you care for her feelings and would want to do something about it to help her feel better. It sounds to me that it is not that you do not want to spend time with her but just that you are not able to for some reason.

Well, with your willingness to do something about this, we're halfway there.
For starters, identify the reasons as to what is causing you these barriers from being able to spend time with your wife? Is it work, tension/worry, family and friends, health issues, lack of interest, lack of knowing how to be able to spend more time, or anything else?
Once you have the reasons figured out, try to think of ways you can cater to them. For example, if it is work that is keeping you busy, try to bring more work-life balance in your life. Schedule time tables for yourself and keep dedicated time aside for both work and your wife. You do not necessarily need to have hours on your hand to be able to do so. Quality time is not about the length of time but the quality in the time spent together. Even if you spend 4 hours with your wife, but while at it, you're also watching TV, or sitting in front of your laptop, etc., she will never feel like you spent any time with her at all. Instead,even if it is only half an hour that you can spare, dedicate all that time to her. Speak to her about each other's days, do an activity or watch a movie together that you both enjoy doing together or even just a warm long hug can do the trick. Try to include her in your daily chores. Like while having a meal, set that time aside to have the meal with her. While wanting to unwind in front of the TV, watch something that you both enjoy. While going out with your friends, try to sometimes go on couple dates with other couple friends.

Everyday rituals- invent some everyday rituals as a couple that you both enjoy doing for each other and for yourself and follow them religiously every single day. This will help keep the romance alive in the relationship for years to come. It can be as simple as never missing to kiss goodbye to each other when the other steps out from home for work. Have at least one meal of the day together.

Weekly/monthly rituals- Even as you have kids or live along with other members of the family, do not forget to spend time as a couple. In the process of becoming parents, remember to also continue being a spouse. Go for dinner dates/ movie dates, grab that dress and look sexy for him or grab that suit and look sexy for her, cook that meal for him, get those flowers for her. Keep trying to make efforts to impress each other and do not stop just because you now have each other. Live each day like you are still trying to pursue him/her.

Surprise him/her occasionally- you need not wait for birthdays/ anniversaries/ valentine’s day for that. Whisper sweet nothings into each others ear once in a while, leave notes for him/her on the bed/on the bathroom mirror, get creative!

Communicate- Keep the conversations alive by talking about things that matter to you both, share about your day with each other, talk about your feelings and thoughts, share common interests.

Keep the passion alive in the bedroom- ensure that you fulfil each other's sexual needs in the marriage. It should be filled with respect, sensitivity, passion and love for each other. Foreplay and afterplay is as important as the actual intercourse. Get experimental once in a while to keep away from monotony.

These are just some of the few things off the top of my head that you could try, there could be many more one could keep adding to the list. The point is to keep the efforts alive.

Communicate with her about what spending quality time with you means to her. Express your ideas as well. And then try to mutually come on a common ground and learn from her as to what you can do to make her feel more special and teach her what she can do to be more understanding towards you.
Set aside some ground rules and pick up one thing out both would do for each other religiously for the next week.
Gradually move on to include more things you both could do for each other to be more understanding and fulfilling towards each other.
Remember, consistency is the key. Even if it is only one step that you both have decided to take on in a long time, it is okay.

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