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Husband not romantic or intimate

Asked by Female, 26, Married
My husband is not romantic or intimate with me. He manages all other responsibilities well.
Thumb komal
Counseling Psychologist

From what you have written, it seems to me that you are otherwise satisfied with your husband but you long for his attention, expression of love and care in ways that you understand and seek.

We all experience and express love in certain ways- it seems that you experience love through kind words and loving actions? There are 5 love languages: kind words, loving actions, time, presents and touch. We all have one as our primary love language. Sometimes in marriage, both partners might have different love languages. For example: Say there is a couple and the woman's primary love language is kind words, she will look for kind words from her husband but say for her husband: his love language is presents. He may try to show his love towards his wife by giving her presents but what his wife needs is for him to say "I love you" or "thank you for everything you are doing for me". In this situation, no one is happy because no one is getting the desired response from their spouse. Can you think of each of these love languages and think which one is yours and which one is your husband's? A small note of caution: we used in different proportions.

Next, identify the reasons as to what is causing your these barriers from beingmay have one or more love language but in a successful marriage all love languages are being able to share romance and intimacy with you? Is it work, tension/worry, family and friends, health issues, lack of interest, lack of knowing how to be more romantic or intimate, or anything else?
Once you have the reasons figured out, try to think of ways you can cater to them.

Communicate with him about what romance and intimacy means to you in the marriage. Be open to hearing his ideas as well. And then try to mutually come on a common ground and teach him how he could be more romantic and intimate with you.
Set aside some ground rules and pick up one thing out both would do for each other religiously for the next week.

Everyday rituals- invent some everyday rituals as a couple that you both enjoy doing for each other and for yourself and follow them religiously every single day. This will help keep the romance alive in the relationship for years to come. It can be as simple as never missing to kiss goodbye to each other when the other steps out from home for work. Have at least one meal of the day together.

Weekly/monthly rituals- Even as you have kids or live along with other members of the family, do not forget to spend time as a couple. In the process of becoming parents, remember to also continue being a spouse. Go for dinner dates/ movie dates, grab that dress and look sexy for him or grab that suit and look sexy for her, cook that meal for him, get those flowers for her. Keep trying to make efforts to impress each other and do not stop just because you now have each other. Live each day like you are still trying to pursue him/her.

Surprise him/her occasionally- you need not wait for birthdays/ anniversaries/ valentine’s day for that. Whisper sweet nothings into each others ear once in a while, leave notes for him/her on the bed/on the bathroom mirror, get creative!

Communicate- Keep the conversations alive by talking about things that matter to you both, share about your day with each other, talk about your feelings and thoughts, share common interests.

Keep the passion alive in the bedroom- ensure that you fulfil each other's sexual needs in the marriage. It should be filled with respect, sensitivity, passion and love for each other. Foreplay and afterplay is as important as the actual intercourse. Get experimental once in a while to keep away from monotony.

These are just some of the few things off the top of my head that you could try, there could be many more one could keep adding to the list. The point is to keep the efforts alive.
Gradually move on to include more things you both could do for each other to be more understanding and fulfilling towards each other.
Remember, consistency is the key. Even if it is only one step that you both have decided to take on in a long time, it is okay.

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