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Husband spends on elder sister-in-law, refuses to live separately

Asked by Female, 32, Married

I am married from past 10 months. its been only a two weeks since I started living with my husband. I am facing mental troubles with my husband. My husband has a father, two elder brothers and their wife and their children. The house is divided in three floors. The first floor where husband's first elder lives with his wife, children and father. Second floor where me and my husband reside. Third floor where my husband's second elder brother lives with his wife and children. My husband being the youngest and llst his mother 16 years ago was living with his first elder brothers family. I have always lived in a nuclear family and so I asked my husband before marriage if we can live in nuclear way at our floor. My husband himself agreed and said that we will not be dependent on elder brother's family for our food and living. Now that I have started living with my husband I requested him to lets start our own living. But my husband completely ignored it. My husband is not ready to make arrangements for our drinking water and cooking at our floor. So I have to go to my husband's elder bhabhi's floor for food and water. My husband's Bhabhi is also doubling my problems. She takes my husband's cloths from my floor without my permission in my absence. She serves food to my husband. She continuously comes to my floor and ask my husband if he need anything. Her children visit my floor in my absence and uses my things She demands house groceries from my husband not to her own husband and my husband do it happily. She ask my husband to bring cloths for her and her children and my husband too do this happily. My husband give our bedroom keys to his bhabhi which has all my expensive private properties. When I object my husband blames me that I am trying to separate him from his family. Please note that my husband do all these things for her first elder bhabhi only not her second bhabhi. I feel bad that all the time I keep thinking about my situation all the time even at my work too. my only wish is to start my life with my husband. I wish to manage me and my husband's food, cloth and other requirements. I don't want my husband to spend on his bhabhi's requirements as she has her own husband to meet those needs. Please guide me to solve this issues of my married life.

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Answer

Salma Prabhu

Clinical Psychologist

Answered almost 5 years ago

Hi,

Thank you for seeking help to resolve your issues. And I am saying thank you as you have not waited till things get totally out of control and situations become very messy.

It must be difficult to see that your husbands elder Bhabhi who is also your elder sister in law seems to be a problem for you.

You must be newly married and wanting to shower all the love and attention to your husband. It is quite normal to feel why the Bhabhi is taking clothes and why her children are coming in your house.

However please relax sit back and give this a thought that you are married into a family. Just living on a separate floor does not isolate you from this joint family where all the brothers have been living for a long time. For them you have come into the family and for the children it is their uncles house.

It must be difficult for you, however instead of making an island on the second floor, focus on making the entire building your home. Elder Bhabhi is always closer to the younger brother as she would have taken care of him when you were not there. Slowly you take the responsibility, but instead of feeling why she is doing, tell her thank you for taking so much care of my husband. Tell the elder Bhabhi that you are grateful that she is taking care like a mother. Her children must feel at ease to come into your second floor. Also keep your private things locked.

Please do not make this into a situation where you will be blamed for breaking up relationships.. Change your attitude, tryout thought process, your approach. Wind everyone's love, do not isolate yourself, once again I remind you that you have married into a family not just to your husband. Respect every member and you shall get e love and respect of your husband and everyone else too.

You can relax and do things you want to if your Bhabhi is helping you. When you go for water and food your are going into your own family not to strangers.

I hope you shall look into my response with a new approach and a different perspective.

I pray for your long loving happy relationships with everyone.

With magical love

Salma

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