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I want to stay with my married ex. But can't contol my jealousness when they are happy

Asked by Male, 27, Single
I am 27 years male. I was in a long term relationship for 5 years. We were deeply in love. Or so I thought, I am not really sure. Towards the end of 5 years due to some break in communication and misunderstanding we broke up. She moved on soon as she had her marriage fixed. But I held on and did cause her a lot of pain. Do post break up we were together for 1 year mostly for my reason as I was an emotional mess. Still somehow we did end it mutually, she got married n moved on and I settled in my life. I don't open up much to others so no one knew about our breakup or my emotional state. This was how it was for 5 months. No contact of any sort for this period. Then may be a 20 days after her marriage she called me up and said that she was not Happy in her marriage as the husband was being very distinct and secretive. She told she will be coming home for 3 months alone and then he will join her. Til that time could I help her to study as we had our post graduate exams. (We used to share everything, no secrets so guess she felt comfortable) I agreed, but I too had a lot of unresolved issues, but some how v managed for 3 months, without getting too involved. And her husband came and we decided that we wil stop and go our separate ways again. I did create a small emotional scene but it was ok and still all ended in good terms. I was still in love wit her but she had moved on. Still I get a call after about 15 days of no contact and she says her husband is cheating on her. N some how we start talking more and more and again we become close. I was selfish so thought this is a good chance to get her back. So when she asked me to help her with her studies I agreed. We started reading in the college library. But it was too emotional for me. And her husband works near by so he would come and meet her for lunch and once in a while. Those situations were too hard to manage, so we kept fighting and reading. I could not accept why she kept giving him so many chances. Anyway their relationship had its ups and downs. When ever it was down she would pour her heart out to me. I remained an impartial listener, never took advantage of her situation. But the problem was when things were going smoothly between them. The jealously I felt was so destructive. It's been going on for 2 years now. She wants me to stay and I too want to stay but I know this thing will just ruin both of us. He has no idea of this background story. She trusts me the most and I always respect that during the times of need or trouble. But once things go smooth, oh god the jealously is so unbearable. I end up hurting her and myself. She wants me to stay, I want to stay, but it just seems too impossible. Just need to make sure I don't do anything to hurt her or myself. How do I go about this?
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Harish Bhuvanendran
Life Coach

Hey, I see that it takes up lot of courage to put thr problem that you are facing with, here on an open portal. Saying that I must say it is a situation that hurts not just you and her, but also him.

Secondly, you both are having a relationship which is unhealthy to all three of you on so many levels. You are being there for you and it is comforting for you to know that she seeks out to you and opens up to you when there are certain situations, but don't you see that when things are going just fine in between her and her husband; you are not involved and you are not part of the equation which makes you jealous on various levels and then when you both are with each other, it is the jealously which speaks to her and not the impartial one as you expect yourself to be.

Why the jealousy speaks with her is very natural emotion that you are going through but, i highly doubt that you would be impartial during those times. Even though you think that when she seeks your companionship and when she opens up with you, and that is comforting you and you seek that on a regular basis. We have to accept here that she is married and you will never allow their relation to grow as long as you are always there to listen to her. Always she would come to you and pour her emotional suffering. When things are fine, she would obviously be in a more societally accepted relationship: "marriage" rather than with you.

I would want you to contemplate and reflect on your dynamics of the relationship with her and then evaluate and make a decision which won't be hurting in a constant run. Even though if you decide to let this relationship end, this might be hurting momentarily but in the long run you both will heal and have a way out and settle in your respective lives.

Hope this helps, Meanwhile we are always here to listen to what you have to say so write back to us and talk in depth about it so we can better help you out with this to ease the transition.

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