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Incompatible late marriage, lack of intimacy and less communication with my in-laws.
Asked by female, 39 yrs, married
I got married one and a half years back. It was a late marriege. We mate on online matchmaking portal. I was in my late thirties and my husband was in his early fourties when we got married. My relationship with my in-laws is not a cordial one. We rarely communicate but stay in same apartment. My husband is just the opposite of my expectation I knew or realized it before our marriege but still continued cause I felt like he is a good human being. As I have communicated with many people regarding marriege settlement and found them less as a good human but they were all properly groomed as per my expectation but was not acceptable to me as a person. My husband is an engineer by profession and doing moderately well in his profession but not groomed as per my pre expecration. But he is a good person and he loves me and cares for me exceptionally but we never had proper physical intimation during all this time which some times makes me feel very depressed and it comes to my mind that I can never have a baby. It feels like calling off this relationship then I feel like that's not everything but he is a good person. I feel so helpless. Please advice me how to handle this situation?
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Counseling Psychologist

I gather from your explanation that your needs and the needs of your in-laws have not been voiced adequately/ reasonably. It's appreciative that you're able to consider your husband's goodness as a strong enough actor to keep you from making a big decision.

With your husband, if there are things about him that you would like changed, then maybe talking to him about it openly, in a non-offensive manner is your first step. Getting to know why he does/ doesn't do things a certain way will add more dimension to your understanding of him. It's possible that you may find some of things worthy of acceptance after this conversation or it is also possible that your husband maybe willing to reach a middle ground and change a few of these things to make you comfortable and build a foundation for intimacy to develop.

You're both middle-aged, give him some time to understand what it is that makes you happy and take the time to voice your needs and wants. Extend the same listening ear to his needs and wants. Intimacy develops over a period of time and with conscious effort. Talk to him about his views on your marriage and if he sees children in his future with you. Most importantly, you have to start communicating more openly with him. It will also create a secure base for your family when you both are ready to have a child. I would also recommend, if possible, that both of you visit a marriage counselor/ therapist to have guided effort in building a strong relationship.

With your in-laws as well, since you're living together there are many small and big incidents that could have led to a salty relationship. Take some effort to figure out exactly what has caused the lack of cordiality to occur between them and you. Here again, communication can play a big role in helping you figure out a problem and considering possible solutions to bring about some amount of stability into your home.

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