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Lost boyfriend of ten years. Feeling very upset.

Asked by Female, 24, Single
I lost my boyfriend of ten years to a heart attack last November. His life could be saved but due to medical negligence and the friends who took him to the hospital were clueless and careless he lost his life. And in some ways i blame myself too, because i feel that i didn't take good care of him. His parents didn't approve of us and after his death i was only allowed for the funeral. But after that they have made every effort to keep me out, I knew him better than anyone, I was his family but his parents have not once called to ask how their son was (his relationship with his parents was very strained, he barely spoke to them) or to even bother to ask how i am. They have made every effort to contact other friends call them home and ask them about him but not me even though they knew my place in his life. This has been upsetting me a lot.
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Nisha Bothra
Counselling Psychologist

Hi there! I am very sorry to hear about your loss. Losing someone so close in life is extremely difficult. I can only imagine how shaken up you must be feeling. It is natural for you to wonder if you could have done more; or maybe, if only, you had done things differently, he would be alive. Let me tell you, you did the BEST that was possible. The friends who took him to the hospital must have done their best at the time as well. Today, maybe they feel responsible and helpless just like you do. We are not trained to respond to emergency, let alone an emergency where a significant other is involved. A lot of other factors are involved in this situation apart from your or their efforts. I hope you can remind yourself everyday that you did your best, and there was nothing else you could have done in this situation. As far as your boyfriend's parents are concerned, I can only feel sad at their behavior. It is very disheartening to know that you needed their permission to be at your boyfriend's funeral. They are not only hurting you in the process, they are also denying ten years of beautiful memories of their son's life. Considering how strained their relationship was with their son, they could have learnt so much about him from you. But they are choosing to live with the vacuum instead. Grief is like that. Sometimes it dissipates the distance between hearts and at other times it makes people more rigid and unreasonable. It is a choice they are making and it says nothing about you. It does not take away from you the wonderful time you have spent with your boyfriend, nor does it make you any less important in his living memories. The time you spent with him is very special. Even if others choose to not accept this fact, these memories are only yours to cherish.

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