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My husband listens to his parent, shows no attention towards me

Asked by Female, 25, Married

We are married for 4 years now, we have a son who will be turning a year old now. Things remain usually fine until my in laws interfere in our life. I have tried to keep calm but they go to any extent to test my patience and I lose out. I have a baby who is dependent on me. Husband is fine otherwise but is not at all cooperative when his parents are involved. He along with them irritates me. My in laws in the beginning days of our relationship teased my husband calling him henpecked. Then he purposely does things opposite to what I ask or tell. They also scare my husband saying they do a lot of pooja and they are in seva of Sai Baba and disobeying them would cause immense loss to him, his wife and now our son. The same was told to my maid as well. My mother in law sees and talks to Sai Baba is what she tells. Any decision that has to be made she says she will ask Baba and tell. I told my husband n number of times that his mother needs a psychiatrist but he says she is a great devotee and I am insulting her. Also my husband was bought up saying his mami didn't let his mama service his parents and he will also go behind wife and not take care of them. This has been there in his mind since childhood and now as per him saying ok to me is disrespecting his parents. My husband lies a lot and my in laws encourage it. Never has he stood up for me in front of his parents. I cannot let go my self respect and stay in such relationship, also I don't want my son to be bought up in such environment. I am a working woman and I can take care of myself and my son but only thing that stops me from seperating now is my son who would need a father while growing up. Marriage counseling is the last resort I am looking out for. Please advice

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Answer

Komal

Counseling Psychologist

Answered almost 4 years ago

Yes, marriage counseling is a good option to consider, not as a last resort out of loss of hope, but as an option that will be able to show you both the right direction.

From what you tell, it seems that your in-laws as well as your husband have a strong religious/ spiritual influence, belief and faith and questioning that is not something they will take well. You need not share their beliefs or faith with them but it looks like they do expect you to respect theirs. Such influences are strong and are not in place because of reason or logic but because of belief and faith. I understand that you see this as being used to manipulate your husband but that is not how he sees it. Your husband's childhood also seems to have greatly influenced him to have strong beliefs about serving his parents, that which he upholds greatly. However, what he finds difficult to see is that alongside his responsibilities towards his parents and his beliefs, he also is responsible for you.

I can imagine that such situations can get to a person, especially now that you have your son and are also financially independent. However, if you do wish to give this marriage another chance, it would help to help your husband see how he could be both a son to his parents as well as a husband to you. Choose your battles well, know which ones are worth fighting for and which ones are not. When in conflict, do not target at his parents or their beliefs/ faith. Rather talk about yourself, your expectations/ needs/ intentions and provide him with options or room for discussion with you to better handle such situations in the house.

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