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Need help for anxiety issues and inability to form relationships

Asked by Female, 37, Married
I have been dealing with anxiety issues since childhood and I am unable to develop relationships now. I had a poor childhood with emotionally unavailable parents.
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Pooja Hari Kumar
Counsellor & Special Educator

Hi, I understand you must be going through an emotional turmoil. Having Anxiety can impact many parts of your life. One of the more significant aspects it affects are relationships personal or intimate. Relationships are extremely valuable, not just biologically, but for emotional, mental, physical and sometimes even spiritual reasons as well. Unfortunately, their value might just be the spark that unleashes many anxious thoughts and feelings. As you go into a relationship, it isnt just the things that go on between you and your partner that make you anxious.; its the things we tell ourselves about whats going on. The critical inner voice is a term used to describe the mean coach we all have in our heads that criticise us, feeds us bad advice and fuels our fear of intimacy.This critical inner voice makes us turn against ourselves and the people close to us. It can promote hostile, paranoid and suspicious thinking that lowers our self-esteem and drives unhealthy levels of distrust, defensiveness, jealousy and anxiety. Basically, it feeds us a consistent stream of thoughts that undermine our happiness and make us worry about our relationship, rather than just enjoying it.When it comes to all of the things we worry ourselves about in relationships, we are much more resilient than we think. In truth, we can handle the hurts and rejections that we so fear. We can experience pain, and eventually, heal. However, our critical inner voice tends to terrorise and catastrophize reality.In order to not feel anxious, we have to first get to know our critical inner voice. We should try to catch it each and every time creeps into our minds .This voice can even turn on our partner in ways that make us feel more insecure, Identifying this critical inner voice is the first step to challenging it.As we start to challenge these negative attitudes toward ourselves, we must also make an effort to take actions that go against the directives of our critical inner voice. In terms of a relationship, that means not acting out based on unwarranted insecurities or acting in any ways we dont respect. Here are some helpful steps to take:Maintain your independence. Its crucial to keep a sense of ourselves separate from your partner. We shouldnt forego essential parts of who you are in order to become merged into a couple. In this way, each of one of you can hold strong.Dont act out no matter how anxious you are. Of course, this is easier said than done, but your insecurities can precipitate some pretty destructive behaviour. Acts of jealousy or possessiveness can hurt your partner, not to mention you. Snooping through their text messages, calling every few minutes to see where they are, and getting mad every time they look at another attractive person these are all acts that you can avoid no matter how anxious it makes you and in the end, we will feel much stronger and more trusting. Even more importantly, is trustworthy.Dont seek reassurance. Looking for your partner to reassure you when you feel insecure only leads to more insecurity. Remember, these attitudes come from inside you, and unless You shouldn't overcome them, it wont matter how smart, worthy or attractive your partner tells you are. So love yourself and not look at your partner for validationStop measuring. Its important not to constantly evaluate or assess your partners every move. You have to accept that your partner is a separate person with a sovereign mind. You won't always see things the same way or express your love in the same way. You  shouldnt expect our partner to read our minds or know exactly what to do all the time. As soon as we get into the blame game, its a hard cycle from which to break free.Hope you feel better... do write back to me when you feel better then we can talk further about your childhood and past scars. 

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