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Unable to focus after being rejected by girl

Asked by Male, 20, Single
Hi. There's this thing i'm struggling with right now. I bet i'm not the only one with this problem, though. The things is : There's a girl, let's name her X. We're in the same college. We met 8 months ago, and we chat everyday for hours. We both are musicians and lately we've been playing together all around the college for different events and all. I really really like her, and I've told her about this. In reply, she said that She wants to focus on music, she wants to make it big. She said a relationship will hold her back and she has to go places. I've got the same dream. I too wanna make it big. But don't know what's wrong with me that I wish to be with her more than being on stage. I'm so in love that i'm unable to take this 'rejection'. I didn't talk to anyone for a few days. I felt like leaving everything and everyone behind and move to some other place. Loads of people in our college have told me that they love to see us together (maybe because we've been playing together for some time) and they talk to me about her. It gets really hard for me to get over her when this happens. I've tried reducing contact with her, but it all just becomes worse. I seriously need some help with this.
Answer
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Madhuri Mohan
Counselling Psychologist

Hi, I can understand, to be rejected by the person you want to be with, can be hard and painful. You feel like it is somehow your fault and your inadequacy has made her reject you. Let me tell you this, it is not your fault and she may not have rejected you for the person you are but because of her current frame of mind. You should not feel like this is your fault and that something is wrong with you. To overcome this feeling you can try the following strategies and see if this can help you. 1. Try and divert your attention away from negative thoughts. Since you are a musician, focusing on making music that makes you happy will help you get away from obsessing over this rejection. Use this as an opportunity to get back to your passion and divert your thoughts from the girl to your music. It may not be easy initially but by making an effort and with time this will be a highly effective way to get over her. 2. If you do want to mull over what has happened, set a time period. Allot say 20 minutes a day where you can process what has happened or think about her. After those 20 minutes make it a point not to go to that space again and consciously try to avoid topics that will make you think and obsess over her. 3. Write. Whatever you are feeling, all the thoughts that you are feeling and want to tell that girl, write it all down in a letter addressed to her. But do not give to her. Just write it and then burn it up or throw it away. When you do this, you are pouring your feelings to the other person and by the end of it, you will feel a lot better. 4. Since the girl seems to have diverted your focus from your own dreams and aspirations. It is time to rediscover the same. Think about what you want to achieve in the future and where you see yourself 5 years down the road. Make a plan of how you are going to achieve this goal and stick to that. Focus on yourself and how you can improve your personality and skills. Know that this process is not easy, it is going to take time to get over her and move on, but if you make the right effort and with our support I am sure you will overcome this phase and become a stronger individual in the process. If you feel like you want to discuss this more, please feel free to send me a message. :)  

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