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Unhappy marriage due to controlling nature of in-laws

Asked by Female, 31, Married
My in-laws control my husband and our marriage. I am unhappy about it.
Answer
Thumb komal
Komal
Counseling Psychologist

One enters into marriage with dreams of hoping to start a new journey with their partner that is filled with love and happiness. Having your relationship controlled by your in-laws can be frustrating and is certainly not why someone enters into a marriage. I can imagine your pain and agony.

For a happy and successful marriage, both partners need to be equally invested to work towards it. When we advise or when someone advises us, it usually is with the intention of helping out. However, too much of it conveys to the other that they do not believe enough in you to be able to manage the work by yourself. This can create a rift and give way to frequent unresolved conflicts in the relationship if not addressed appropriately.

I understand your concerns and it would help for you to find an appropriate time to have an honest conversation with your in-laws as well as with your husband about what's bothering you. While attempting to do so, it is important that you convey your concerns sensitively and not in a way that conveys blame, frustration or anger. That is likely to escalate things in an undesirable direction.

You can start a conversation by saying " would like to speak to you about something that has been bothering me since a while now but was worried how you might take it. I understand that you like to advise me with the intent to benefit and help me. However, it also makes me feel that you do not believe in me to be able to get it done by myself. I want you to trust me in my abilities and show support by giving me my space and freedom to do things my way. Let's try and figure out a way that works for all of us. How about we try that this week and talk about how it went for us in the week after? I would love to know what you think and how you feel about this."

The tone and choice of words matters a lot in a conversation and decides how the other might take it. Speaking in a manner as expressed above will reflect that you were being sensitive about their feelings and are open to considering their thoughts as well. Beginning by showing appreciation for their intention puts the air to ease and makes it easier to have what might seem as a difficult conversation. This will make them feel heard and also be willing to work through it with you.
Saying "Stop trying to control our marriage!" is less productive than saying something like "I would really appreciate if I were given some more privacy in my relationship with my husband". Talk about what you want rather than what you don't want.

Start small. Take up one small step towards making one small change in one of the barriers you found to your issue. Gradually increase in addressing to other steps towards as many issues as possible. Remember, consistency is the key. Even if it is only one step that you all have decided to take on in a long time, it is okay.

I am sharing with you one article here that you might find helpful to your issue:
https://www.askmile.com/blog/in-laws-interfering-in-your-married-life/

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