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Unhappy with husband both emotionally and physically

Asked by Female, 32, Married
I am unhappy with my husband, both emotionally and physically. When I shared this with him, he blamed me instead.
Thumb komal
Counseling Psychologist

One enters into marriage with dreams of hoping to start a new journey with their partner that is filled with love and happiness. For a happy and successful marriage, both partners need to be equally invested to work towards it. With the basic emotional and physical needs not in place for a strong foundation, anything that is built upon it will turn out to be shaky. This is certainly not why someone enters into a marriage. I can imagine your pain and agony.

It was mature of you to have shared your concerns about the marriage with your husband but instead of validating or being sensitive to you, he left you feeling blamed for it. I understand that it is not easy to be emotionally vulnerable to another person, but having opened up despite that, his response made it worse for you almost to the point of being emotionally scarred for opening up and communicating.

From what you have written, I see that you have two options here.
One, to decide whether to stay in this relationship or to leave.
Two, what could be done in this situation is that you can address few thing about the issue at hand:
What would you like to have from this relationship for you to be emotionally and physically happy in the marriage?
What would it take for your husband to cater to that?
What would it take for you to cater to that?
What is causing for you husband to not be able to cater to it? How can you help him with that?
With clarity from these answers, you could approach your husband saying that "You’re important to me and I want you in my life. However, there are some things in this relationship that are bothering me and it is important that we address them in order for this marriage to work. My hope is that we can work them out and the only way that could happen is if I tell you clearly what they are.” Then explain instances you found unacceptable to you and suggest ways of resolving those issues mutually. However, for this to work, your husband too needs to be equally invested in the relationship. Be firm while you say and explain the consequences of the same if need be.

Also remember to carefully choose your words, the tone of your voice. Often times what matters is how things are said more than what was said. It would help to use a language that conveys more of a mutual solution based approach rather than a blaming or accusatory tone that is likely to give way to conflicts in relationships.

It is also important to keep in mind whether your husband behaves in a similar manner to you across all situations or is it just during such matters. Because people who are habituated to blame their partners and make them feel guilty for everything every time without taking any responsibility upon themselves when needed, are likely to be emotionally toxic.

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