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Unhappy with new boyfriend, ex-boyfriend cheated on me

Asked by Female, 23, Single
I can't decide whether I should stay in the present relationship. I had a breakup 2yrs back. The person cheated me despite of 5yrs of relationship. I got into a new relationship 8months back. I was happy, I thought we are compatible, he loves me. I like him, care for him and also love him but I don't think he's even clear about his feelings for me. He says it's love but it's only present when he is not tensed, when he s happy and stress free. Otherwise, he talks to me regarding his worries and then hang up the phone like I m just a stranger.. I feel totally depressed as I can't decide whether I should continue the relationship. He does not have his father.. I fear to leave him as I don't want to affect him adversely.. The guy who cheated me is leaving happily somewhere with his new, I still haven't forgotten the cheat.. I want to forget everything.. Pls help
Answer
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Salma Prabhu
Clinical Psychologist

Hello,

Thank you for writing to us. I can see that you are going through many questions in your head and also are afraid and affected with experiences of the past.

I would say follow this famous quote. Past is History, future is mystery and present is a gift.

Stay in the present. The person who says he loves you in the present deserves your love and attention. He seems to be having some insecurities and has some problems which he tells you on the phone. Be a good listener. This world needs more people who just listen and not give advice or make judgements. This world has a bigger illness callled loneliness. If you have someone who needs you and also says he loves you, do not have too many doubts. Respect the gift. Every love is a gift from god.

At the same time trust your inner instincts. Also make the most of the moments and the relationships. I agree that everyone wants stability and security in life as far as relationship, finance, health, job is concern. However, the best way is to make the most of what we have, live in the present and visualise a positive future. As Rhonda Bryne, author of the famous bookand movie The Secret says' When negative thoughts come, plant more positive thoughts in your mind.

I am sure you are a very empathetic person from what you said that you are worried if you say something to him, it will affect him. But work towards making him stronger and then if you want to clarify things, do so. Also check if you are totally out of the previous relationship. I would recommend practice forgiveness and free yourself. The person has cheated you, but consider it as blessing in disguise, and that he cheated before you got into a permanent relationship. I don't think you have a place in your life for a person who would cheat. So let him go out of your system. Do not keep a rotten part of anyone or anything in your system and the best way to get it out is forgiveness. Say I forgive you and free yourself. Make space for the new experiences of life.

I pray that you make the steps to get the love and attention you deserve. It is in giving that you can receive. Give love to get love, give and receive abundantly.

With magical love

Salma Prabhu

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