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Unromantic, boring husband doesn't express his feelings or love, fights regularly!

Asked by Female, 24, Married
I am married from almost a year. It was an arrange marriage. I am in a very bad relationship. My problem is that though my husband who is 30 years old is a good man by nature somehow I feel we both dont have that compatiblity. I am more a extrovert type of girl and he is just opposite. I don't feel a connection between us. I don't feel that he loves me or is attracted towards me. He does not express his feelings or love which makes me sad and ends up in fights. Due to regular fights our relationship is becoming a burden. I love him but I don't understand what is the problem with him. I have tried speaking with him but he just tells you are not matured enough and gets upset for small things. He is boring, unromantic person. I feel more hurt because before marriage which ever guy I have met has shown interest in me but my husband does not. I don't know what I am lacking?
Thumb sneha jayagopal

Dear Writer, thank you for having written to us. I understand that you are feeling hurt and frustrated with your husband. The fact that you want your husband to be more expressive and romantic towards you, talks about your expectation from this marriage. Him not fulfilling this expectation upsets you, makes him seem boring to you and unlike any of the men you have previously been involved with. Now let's look a little deeper into your marriage. What is your day to day interaction like otherwise?
What are the things that you do like and love about your husband?
Is there anything else about your relationship that's bothering you?
From what I can gather is that you have had men always express their interest in you and as much as it made you feel special, they didn't work out so well for you.
It's perfectly normal and possible for two people to be opposites by nature and still be happily married. The happiness doesn't come from your partner changing to suit your needs and vice versa. In fact happiness finds you when both the partners can accept that neither of them is perfect and their differences are what make them unique. When both the partners come around to doing that do they then focus on discovering common interests and a common wavelength.
Now you have a particular way of showing your love and that's unique to you but what you might discover is that it is not the only way to show your love and care for your partner. We call this a love language. Everybody has their own unique way of expressing their love. Some are more obvious and verbal, what we call traditionally romantic. Then there are those that are not so verbal, more subtle expressions which are easily missed.
So ask yourself, apart from your idea of romance, have there been instances in your marriage when you felt special and important?
Your husband being your opposite by nature need not be a negative thing. Him not being romantic need not mean that he doesn't love you or find you attractive. Maybe he just has a different way of showing it and you are just not familiar with his way. It might also help to not compare your husband to the men who have shown interest in you previously. It doesn't help to use the differences as a negative point against your husband.
Also ask yourself whether your husband feels understood as well? Do you know what his expectations from your marriage are?

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