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Upset after fight with spouse

Asked by female, 21 yrs, married
I am upset after a fight with my spouse and I want someone to talk to.
Answer
Thumb komal
Komal
Counseling Psychologist

it's only natural to get upset after a fight with your spouse. You are hurt and seek validation, support and understanding from your husband. This troubles you to an extent where you wish you had someone to talk to about this and share your load, which is completely natural.

I suggest it would be best if it was your husband you talked to about this because after all it was a fight with him that you got hurt by and speaking to anyone else is not going to help solve it but only provide you with a listening ear. Speaking to your husband about what's troubling you and what you seek from him will help bring change in the dynamics of the relationship you share with him. It will help him understand you better. You can also suggest him ways in which he can help you feel validated, understood and supported.

Here's how you can make an effective conversation with your spouse after a fight:
-Take a time out after a fight. It is best not to talk when the air is heated with arguments. Come back to it when things are calmer. This way you both are likely to use words with caution and be more likely to hear out hear other rather than use attacking and defensive modes of communicating.
-Begin the conversation by pointing out the positives of the other. This will help them realise that you are on the same team and make them less prone to attack you or defend themselves.
- Use words with caution. Talk in a way that inspires and is not fault-finding or accusatory/ blaming tone which is likely to put the other off. In communication, 80% matters on how you say what you say.
-Drive the conversation in a way which is solution focused rather than problem focused. Suggest ways to solve the problem rather than talking about the problem.
-Use "I language" rather than "you language" and be specific rather than generalising it. For example: "I was hurt by what you said the other day" rather than "You always hurt me with your words!"
-Do not take your troubles to bed. Resolve them before sleeping.

Going for couple's counselling will also help you both to explore deeper issues in your marriage and help resolve them in a safe understanding space.

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