9 Cues that spell B-R-E-A-K-U-P! Signs to tell you when it’s time to let go of a significant other and break-free from the relationship.
Relationships are wonderful, complex, enriching and fulfilling experiences. Some teach you life lessons, some introduce you to a soul mate and some help you live your life at an all-time-high. Ever-lasting, short or meaningful experiences, relationships are a significant part of most of our lives and most people love being in one! Christopher Poindexter, a poet, came up with a wonderful collaboration of words to describe love,
“And in the end, we were all just humans, drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.”
The beginnings of relationships are usually supposed to be the best part. Those are the months you talk about for years to come! Slowly as you spend more time together, things seem different, patterns seem set and you both are becoming different versions of yourself.
Sometimes these changes occur complementary to one and another. Other times, couples aren’t so fortunate and they grow apart. However, recognising and identifying if you’re growing together or apart is a turning point in every relationship. Sometimes, no matter how much two people try, they don’t last, and it’s not wrong or bad, it’s just life.
Most of our relationships aren’t meant to last forever, they’re meant to teach us, mould us and challenge us, to break us and help us bounce back.
So how do we know when a relationship has run its course? How do you know when a rough patch is no longer a rough patch, but has become a pattern?
Here are 9 cues to help you identify if it’s time to say goodbye.
1.If you are more sad than happy.
A relationship is supposed to add to your life- happiness, values, companionship to name a few. If it’s taking away more than it’s providing, then maybe it’s time to rethink the future of the relationship.
If you find yourself constantly belittled by your partner or if you’re all by yourself all the time despite being in a relationship, if they don’t accommodate you in their life and are constantly compromising on you, then it’s time you evaluate how much you’re okay with.
Just sit back, close your eyes and go over the last few weeks, months or years- ever since your partner has been around, does it fill your heart up, reminiscing your journey together or did you face just drop flat at the memories?
At any point, if you realise you’re spending more time low than high and they’re doing nothing about it, it’s time to leave. If the negatives outweigh the positives, it’s time to bid adieu!
2. If you don’t like who you are in the relationship.
Every relationship, romantic or otherwise, brings out various shades in us. Some people have the ability to bring out your best, some have it to bring out your absolute worst and some can provide an ambience for your vulnerabilities. It’s not the other person’s fault in any scenario, it’s just the way your personality complements theirs.
If you aren’t a better version of yourself in the relationship with each passing day, it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship.
3. If the relationship or person holds you back.
Often relationships become such a big part of our everyday, that it hinders our potential, our growth. This goes undetected for ages, mostly, because most sacrifices are gulped down as compromises. It’s very essential to understand the difference between the two, because a compromise gives you half of what you want, but a sacrifice takes it all away.
Sacrifices are also necessary sometimes for the smooth functioning of two people in union, however that should be only if there is no other option left.
If you find yourself unable to do the things you want for an extended period of time because your significant other is getting in the way, it’s a red sign. If your partner doesn’t allow for your life to expand into its full self- personality, career, hobbies, passion and anything else that is important to you, then it is not a healthy relationship.
A relationship should allow you to breathe and release your full potential over a course of time. If you feel held back most of the time, then it’s going to result in residual resentment which will build up and then one day, BOOM!
4. If you both have different priorities in life.
Again, this isn’t the other person’s faults. People get into relationships not always thinking about 10 years from the point. Often partners realize that their end goals are completely different. You may not want to settle down and have a family in the foreseeable future while your partner can’t wait to step into that life. That brings you both at the crossroads of life and you must part.
It’s nobody’s mistake because everybody is allowed to pursue the life of their dreams. Marriage, family, career or anything else that their dream life looks like.
Accept that you have different end destinations and holding onto each other only keeps you further away from your end goals. Sometimes no matter how amazing you are together; these things trump over compatibility.
5. If you realize you don’t love them.
This is one of the most painful and hard realizations in a relationship, especially, when the other person is in love with you. The beginnings of relationships are all fun and adrenaline, both of you are compromising, taking care of each other, going out of your way for each other…it’s easy to mistake this high for love. It’s only when all of these fade, the actual commitment bit starts.
Like they say, “Love is not just a feeling. It’s a choice.” This bit is absolutely true, it’s a choice you make every day, even on bad days.
Realizing you don’t love them doesn’t have to have a logical reason behind it. You two could be perfect in compatibility, your social circles match, you come from similar backgrounds… everything could be working, but if this person can’t calm every cell of your body when he/she walks into the room, then it’s not worth holding onto.
They deserve to be loved as genuinely as they are able to love you and you deserve to find that person too. You just have to go ahead and end it. Focus on the long-term gains, not the short-term consequences.
6. If there is an obvious imbalance in the effort.
Between two people’s give and take the ratio will always tip lower on one side. That’s just the way it works. Both individuals can never stay 50-50. Some days you’re 60 and they’re 40 and some days they’re 80 and you’re 20. The balance goes up and down based on circumstances and personal journeys and it’s healthy as long as it goes up and down. The problem arises when one end has been dipping lower and lower without any highs.
“A relationship is a two-way street”
No relationship can last forever if only one person is investing in it. If your partner is unaware that their end is dipping, a conversation about this would help. Despite being told if he/she makes little or no effort to match up, then you have a clear picture of what your life would like if you were to stick with this person.
Get out of it and find someone who can reciprocate your emotion and effort. You deserve that!
7. If all your needs are deemed crazy.
Every individual has different needs, especially in a relationship. Some needs are met, some are discarded. It’s understood and accepted that all your needs might not be accommodated but some or most will be.
Both individuals invest time, energy and emotion in being able to provide emotionally, mentally and physically for their partners to keep the relationship going.
However, if you find that your partner rejects all of your needs, irrespective of time, place or situation and makes it seem like everything you ask for is unreasonable, there’s another red signal. Probably your partner is lazy or doesn’t realize the importance of providing or is simply not as invested as you.
You may love them with all your heart, but you can’t pour from an empty cup! Whatever the reason, apathy towards your needs by your partner over a prolonged period of time is a dead end.
8. If there are too many external stressors
We all have our phases in life, when things just don’t swing right. Everything seems to be falling apart without your constant supervision and you can’t seem to catch a breath. Being in a relationship at this time is tough.
Relationships irrespective of how strong they are or how long they’ve lasted, require consistent nurturing. Think of it as a plant you have to water every day, in just the right amount.
Sometimes, timing bails on you. Your relationship is perfect, your partner is ideal and you’ve had some great times together, but the existence of external stressors for an extended period of time will end up scarring the relationship.
It can be your job, family needs, financial instability, grief, illness…or anything else. If it lasts long enough, it’s going to hamper a couple’s ability to cope. Some rough patches are good for a relationships growth, you strengthen your bond and have new understanding and respect for each other. But sometimes, the heartache is too much, enough for the relationship to fall apart under it.
9. If only physical intimacy = security
This is another dangerous red sign. Relationships are meant to feel like lying on the softest cushions- comforted, secure and cared for, even on the tough days and between the rough patches. Security is necessity in a relationship because that’s what provides validation to both individuals.
If your partner can make you feel that way only when you’re physically intimate with each other, then there’s a problem. Your partner should be able to make you feel secure, loved and cared for in most situations if not all and on some days without even trying. If the only time you feel connected is on the bed, that’s a bad connection.
It’s going to evaporate sooner or later because you have nothing more to offer to each other. Do yourself a favor and walk out. There’s nothing lonelier than lying next to someone and feeling completely disconnected.
If one or more of these cues resonated within you, I urge you to explore your feelings and thoughts. Look deeper than surface level and past the short-term consequences. It’s really hard to accept the ends of relationships, but it’s the only way forward if the relationship is costing you too heavily. Seek help, talk to a friend, relative or a mental health professional to help you make your choice. It’s your life and your happiness should be your prime priority.
Everyone deserves to be loved- truly, madly, deeply. Life is too short to remain in places we’re not meant to be in! If you feel that you’re in one such place, speak with our relationship experts anonymously at Askmile.com.