A divorce or break-up implies the end of an intimate relationship, when two people stop living together or seeing each other. But does it truly end there?
Even after the relationship ends, a sort of emotional connection with the ex-partner remains in the form of unresolved anger, resentment, grief or pain. These unresolved feelings act as energy leaks.
Very often after a nasty break-up or divorce, you are not able to fully tap into your potential and channel-focused energy towards pursuing your dreams and re-creating your life the way you want to live.
In fact, after a separation, many people become insecure, depressed and distrustful of themselves and life in general. This is the result of lingering unresolved emotions festering underneath, which slowly drains away your energy, while you blissfully unaware, struggle to maintain a semblance of normalcy in your daily life.
(To know how to resolve your unresolved emotions after a breakup or a divorce please see: How to Recover From a Divorce – Processing Your Emotions).
(To know how to regain your self-confidence after a breakup or a divorce please see: How to Recover From A Divorce – 5 Very Effective Exercises to Regain Your Self-Confidence)
The symptoms of festering unresolved emotions stealthily draining away your energy after a separation include:
- Low self-esteem and self-confidence
- Repeatedly second guessing your decisions
- Being sad for long periods
- Social withdrawal or isolation
- Overeating or undereating
- Restlessness and worry
- Mood swings
- Mental confusion
- Indulging in smoking or binge drinking
- A sense of hopelessness
- Struggling to go through your daily life
- Disinterest in activities which you would earlier enjoy
The symptoms mentioned above are emotional and psychological. Physical symptoms too may occur in the form of:
- Sudden weight gain/weight loss
- High blood pressure
- Hair loss
- Insomnia/sleeping too much
- Chest pain
- Skin problems
- Frequent bouts of exhaustion/fatigue
Thus, the precious energy that you could use to re-create your life by pursuing your interests and doing something constructive, leaks away and gets channeled into battling depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, self-doubts etc.
What’s more, to numb yourself to the fact that your energy is getting drained and wasted, you may also indulge in distractions such as smoking, binge drinking, compulsive shopping, watching too much T.V. and so on. This will also help to numb your guilt.
Provided below is a visualization technique that will help you to stop the energy leaks and what’s more channel your energy in a focused manner towards what you really want in life.
(Please Note: If you have experienced an extremely nasty and emotionally draining breakup or divorce you should consider getting emotional guidance and support from a counsellor or support groups. There are portals dedicated to relationships such as askmile.com, where you can not only post queries anonymously for free and receive answers, but you can also choose a counselor of your choice to seek professional help and guidance.)
Visualization exercises are very powerful as they impact the mind as well as the brain. Visualization exercises send symbolic messages to your subconscious mind which can trigger behavioural changes in you externally. In fact, the magical effects of visualization are so well known, that this technique has long been practised by many well-known sports stars. Many Olympic medalists are known to have taken part in regular visualization practices, in which they imagine playing the game to the optimum mentally, they imagine the audience cheering them on, and finally, they see themselves win the medal. Many of the champions have gone on record to state that finally when they played the game in the arena, it played out exactly as they visualized.
(For more details you can check this link: Olympians Use Imagery as Mental Training )
This occurs because the brain does not understand if the incident you are running in your mind is connected to your past or future. For the brain, everything is in the present. And the stronger an image or feeling, the more quickly the brain gets rewired, the faster your mind gets conditioned on deeper levels, and the swifter and better the results in the physical world.
Unplugging the Emotional Cords Technique – A Visualization Tool
There are two basic forms of visible communication that goes on between human beings, verbal (including written), and non-verbal. Non-verbal communication can consist of gestures, facial expressions, posture, everything to do with the body language of a person.
There is a third, more subtle form of communication that goes on unconsciously between all beings – energetic communication.
Sometimes we say, ” I am getting a bad vibe from that person,” or ” I am getting good, happy vibes from that person or situation.” What’s happening here is a form of communication at a deeper energetic level.
We human beings constantly project out energies, be it angry, jealous, resentment, happy, based on our emotions. Thus, whether we realize it or not, we constantly respond energetically to the vibes we get from people, whether they be people who are physically present near us or people who are known to us but are not physically near us. This constant emotional energetic communication can affect our mental wellbeing.
For in such a scenario of constant “vibal communication,” imagine the emotional states of two people who have undergone a nasty and taxing breakup/divorce, or the states of two people locked in legal warfare. There could be constant mental abuse being hurled at each other! And whether they like it or not, energetically they are responding to each other’s non-verbal abuse and insults! This is where this technique Unplugging the Emotional Cords can be of immense help.
Unplugging the Emotional Cords is an extremely powerful visualization tool, that not only stops the energy leaks but also provides the much needed mental and emotional clean-break from any draining relationship, especially those involving breakups and divorce. This technique can help the couple to completely break free of each other emotionally and mentally.
The premise behind this technique thus, is based on the constant non-verbal energetic communication that goes on between human beings.
Consider Unplugging the Emotional Cords to be a technique which helps you unplug completely, both emotionally and mentally from a disturbing relationship, or disturbing aspects of a relationship. This technique is also highly effective for ex-couples who have undergone a divorce, but who need to maintain a functional relationship together because they have children, and therefore cannot opt for a clean break from the relationship.
(To know the effect of divorce on children please see: Effect of Divorce on Kids).
In fact, this technique is so highly efficacious that it can be used not only after a divorce or break-up but also to counter any event or circumstance that threatens to weigh us down with emotional baggage and cause dissonance in our lives, such as:
- Closure of a difficult legal case
- Fights or Disagreements
- Difficult Colleagues
- Sexual Abuse
- Chronic Illnesses (you can unplug cords from the illness by giving it a shape)
Unplugging the emotional cords technique can:
- Help you to let go of or end a relationship completely on physical, mental, and emotional levels, with immediate effect.
For example, a client had a hard time emotionally letting go of her ex-husband after the divorce. Her case was so extreme that her ex-husband had to ask her to stop stalking him. After just one session of guided unplugging the cords technique, she noticed a change in her emotional state. She did not feel the compulsion to contact him with the same intensity as before. What’s more she also completely stopped calling or mailing him the way she did before. She moved on from the relationship with greater ease and more importantly with a greater understanding as to why she felt the need to contact him repeatedly and how she can get that need fulfilled in a different, more constructive way.
- Help people who are divorced and yet who have to maintain a relationship with their ex-partner, because they have children and therefore, cannot let go of each other completely.
In such a case, this technique will help both the ex-partners deal with each other in a compassionate and friendly manner and not let emotional conflict or emotional dramas make the relationship difficult.
- Change old patterns or ways of interacting with someone. In other words, you want to maintain the relationship but are not willing to indulge in unhealthy behaviours leading to emotional dramas anymore.
- Transform, resentments, judgements, all forms of faulty beliefs arising from negative past experiences, which could be tainting or holding back a relationship with the potential to develop into something much more productive.
This technique can provide great clarity regarding:
- why you are in the relationship with this partner
- what you expect from the relationship
- if you would like to put in an effort to continue with this relationship
This technique helps by clearing the “emotional cobwebs” clouding and bogging down a relationship and situation. Once these emotional cobwebs are removed, the vision becomes clear (regarding the why, what, where, and how of the relationship or circumstance) and focus is gained. Once focus is gained, you can break away emotionally from the relationship with ease and your energy automatically stops leaking or getting drained and instead gets channelled into moving forward in life. You can now fully tap into your potential and use your energy and focus in productive pursuits and endeavours.
How To Do The Technique
At the outset, make yourself comfortable in a secluded area of your home, space where you will not be disturbed for at least an hour to two hours. Keep a small cushion handy near you.
Please Note: When I say visualize in each of the steps, some people not being visual by nature may not be able to see clear mental images. And that is fine. You may be able to hear clearly instead or feel strongly.
So, if you are not able to ‘visualize’ clearly you can feel the steps occurring and causing emotions in you. As long as you are able to feel the emotions strongly the technique is working for you and will be highly effective. It is advisable to do this procedure while sitting down with your back straight.
- Allow yourself to relax completely while taking in at least seven deep breaths.
- Visualize a circle around yourself on the ground. The diameter of the circle being equal to the area around you when you keep your arms outstretched on both sides parallel to the ground.
- Visualize another circle exactly opposite to you of the same size or may be bigger.
- Now visualize your ex-partner inside the circle opposite to you. Once your ex-partner appears thank him/her for coming and ask him/her to sit at the centre of the circle opposite to you. Notice how clearly your ex-partner’s face is in your mental screen. What colour clothes is he/she wearing. What is the expression on his/her face? How is it making you feel?
Please Note: If your ex-partner tries to get up and move into your circle it simply signifies that he/she wants to get into your space. Do not allow it. If it is too difficult image a round glass wall around the circle your ex-partner is sitting in. Visualize the glass wall having holes so that your voice will be heard by your ex-partner be he/she will not be able to cross over into your circle.
- Now tell your ex-partner that the reason you called him/her is because you want to let him/her know what you feel about the whole situation. And proceed to speak out aloud everything, including whatever you could not tell him/her face to face.
- You might feel mentally that he/she might interrupt you but you stop him/her and say “you will get a chance to speak after I do. Right now I need to speak.” Do not hold back and say out loud exactly what you want to say. You might want to vent out feelings of anger, frustration, and rage physically. You can take the cushion near you and hit it to vent it all out.
- Now let your ex-partner speak. You might hear responses that might provoke you but let him/her speak. Pay attention to how he/she feels. Ask him/her why he/she feels that way. Respond to him/her when he /she asks for a response. Let him/her vent out and you do the same.
- Ask your ex-partner if you can get into his/her shoes and become him/her to take a look at yourself through their eyes. You can mentally visualize getting up, getting out of your circle and stepping into your ex-partner. Take a good look at yourself through his/her eyes. How does it feel?
Please Note: If you imagined a glass wall around your ex-partner, then visualize a door in the glass wall through which you can enter into his/her space temporarily.This step might be difficult but is essential because you will get a very clear perspective of where they were coming from and how you are placed for them in the whole situation. You might get insights and a fresh new perspective.
- Now visualize stepping out of your ex-partner and come back to sit in your own circle facing him/her. At this point, breathe in and out deeply, and while breathing out imagine you are breathing out any energy of your ex-partner that you feel you may have carried back into your circle. As you breathe out imagine his/her energy going back to him/her.
- Now look at both your ex-partner’s body and your body carefully. There will be cords hanging which joins your body with his/hers signifying emotional ties between you two. These are the ties which are still bogging both of you down. Through each of these cords various emotions, mostly negative, are being transmitted between you both continuously.
- There may be multiple cords hanging from, for example, from your throat to his/her throat, or your hand to his/her lower abdomen, or navel to heart, stomach to stomach or to private parts.
Please Note:The cords can look like threads or thick ropes or chains. They are different for different people. You may feel you are imagining the cords. That is okay. Trust yourself and what you see or feel in your mental vision. Some people see the cords others feel them strongly, and that is fine. Not everyone is visual by nature.
- Once you see or feel the cords, catch hold of the cords one by one, or altogether as bunch however you feel comfortable and with force unplug them or yank them out from your body.
- You can visualize yourself burning the cords or feel that you are burning the cords if you are not a visual person. If they are chains, you can visualize/feel that you are melting the chains.
- Now, visualize or feel yourself collecting the ashes, or melted matter of the cords in a vessel and wiping clean the place.
- Visualize or feel that you are immersing the ashes in a body of water or throwing them along with the vessel from a mountaintop.
- Now, visualize or feel yourself collecting the ashes, or melted matter of the cords in a vessel and wiping clean the place.
- Next visualize yourself entering a body of water where you can wash yourself and let the open areas from where you have pulled out the cords heal. You can ask your ex-partner to do the same in a different place away from you, if you wish.
Touch the areas of the open wounds in your body and visualize your body’s natural healing mechanism kick in and mentally see or feel the blood clot over those areas and get healed.
- Once you feel the areas have healed, come back to your circle and sit down.
Please Note: If you and your ex-partner need to remain in touch since you have children then skip to steps 23 and 25 below.
- If you and your ex-partner are going completely different ways and plan never to see each other again, then now is the time to tell your ex-partner that he/she is now free to leave. See or feel the circle lift up along with your ex-partner on it and float away from you gradually, becoming a speck at a distance, till nothing remains.
- Mentally visualize yourself wiping and scrubbing the area where the circle with your ex-partner was.
- Now visualize or feel your own circle extending and covering the area where previously where ex-partner sat and then see or feel the circle extending to the whole room and house even if you wish.
- When you feel like it, gently open your eyes.
Important Optional Steps
This is something I suggest to separated couples who have children and cannot break away from each other completely. After going through all the first 16 steps outlined above, you need to perform this final step.
- Visualize or feel a new cord extending from the center of your heart to the center of your ex-partner’s heart. Be aware that through this new cord plugged into each other’s hearts only feelings of unattached love, co-operation, peace, and those that are necessary for your and the children’s highest good will now pass through between you two.
- You can also visualize or feel an insulation around this new cord so that it can be protected against any feelings and energy that threatens to cause conflict between you and your ex-partner’s energies.
- When you feel like it, gently open your eyes
- Immediately after the procedure drinks a glass of water. Drink at least eight glasses of water afterwards throughout the day.
- Take a bath, while also shampooing your hair. Put some bath salts into the water.
- Eat whatever you feel guided to.
- Take plenty of rest so that your mind can process everything that took place.
Avoid any form of stressful situations immediately after the procedure. It would be ideal if you can be relatively quiet for the remaining part of the day and take rest.
– Anoo Pathak
Spiritual Counselor & Mentor