Arranged or love marriage?
What do you think you are best suited for – an arranged match or you prefer to find your life
partner?
Aruna Rathod
It’s a debate whether to go in for a love marriage or an arranged marriage. While some couples who
are married for years and have settled into a blissful domestic routine, swear that arranged
marriages are comfortable, there are some couples who have had arranged marriages and say that
it’s not such a great deal and envy those who have married whom they love. The curiosity of a love
marriage is very prevalent in those who have never dared to fall in love.
So who decides which one is the best. Obviously, if you are getting married, decide for yourself. If
you have fallen in love with the ‘right’ person and think that you both can make it work, go ahead.
To make it work, requires a lot of work – are you both financially stable, are you able to buy or rent
out a flat, will you both share the responsibilities – budgeting every month, setting short term goals
and long term goals for finances, buying property, career choices, buying grocery, cooking, cleaning,
laundry – it takes a lot to run a home. How much support are you expecting from your family? If
everything seems fine, just take the plunge.
If you are a personality who finds it difficult to connect with the opposite sex, then it’s best you
choose an arranged marriage. Be frank with your parents when you begin to search for a partner –
do you want a modern, outgoing partner or a simple, home-loving girl/boy? Would you want your
partner to go out to work? Would you be staying with in-laws or by yourselves? What would be the
financial commitment on you and your partner?
Since many problems crop up at a later stage, it’s best to discuss openly with either your partner or
your partner’s family about basic issues.
Remember that in arranged marriages, it’s not just the two of you, it’s the families that get together
and sometimes it’s not very pleasant. There could be interference in every walk of life, more so,
once you have had kids.
Pros of love marriage
Love marriages are mostly simple ceremonies without much fanfare, thus ending up with savings
that can be used for setting up the new home.
You know your partner reasonably well, since you have been meeting often. There is always a better
connect.
It’s an independent choice – parents are only informed about the choice you have made. This
translates into other decisions after marriage too.
Plenty of privacy, as couples choose to stay by themselves, not with family.
Most tasks are shared equally.
There is more sexual intimacy because of knowing each other before and having plenty of privacy
later.
Cons of love marriage
Both partners have to be strong, since it is a decision they have taken. If there are any skirmishes,
they cannot run to their parents or families for help.
There is no blame game here. Each partner has made a conscious decision and chosen the other.
Financially it may be tough as sometimes there is no family support.
If you have been going around waiting to settle down for years, then chances are post marriage
there is not much excitement.
Pros of arranged marriage
Economically, almost everything is taken care of. There is a proper set up before you step into your
new home.
Normally in arranged marriages both partners belong to the same religion, so there is no clash. All
festivals, rituals are celebrated by both.
Cons
You may have to adjust with ‘new’ situations – joint family, relatives etc.
Every decision may be discussed in case of an arranged marriage.
Lack of privacy. You may have to wait till it’s night to even talk to your husband in private.
Since so many people are involved, there are chances of misunderstanding.
Women may have to work extra in the kitchen or other household chores.
In case you have not had enough time with your partner before marriage, you may be disappointed
with what you get after marriage.
Since you do not know your partner’s sexual preferences, it will take time to develop intimacy.
You may not fall in love with your partner after marriage.
Make your choice
Whatever choice you make, remember marriage requires work from both partners. In case it’s an
arranged marriage for you, make sure you meet your partner often and get to know him/her so that
there are no rude shocks after marriage.
There would be stressful situations in both, it’s the way you handle it that can make or break your
marriage – love or arranged. If you have issues, do not wait for them to grow and become problems,
discuss politely with your partner if something is troubling you and seek a solution. Don’t hold
grudges and be silent. Talk it out. Give each other time, be patient, understanding and keep the
spark alive for your marriage to last.
BOX – Take your pick
Statistic Sources & References
Source: Statistic Brain Research Institute
Annual number of arranged marriages worldwide 26,250,000
Percent of marriages in the world that are arranged 53.25 %
Global divorce rate for arranged marriages 6.3 %
Here is an extract from The Daily Mail UK that talks about the findings of Dr Robert Epstein, American psychologist, professor, author, and journalist.
Dr Epstein has interviewed more than 100 couples in arranged marriages to assess their strength of feeling and studied his findings against more than 30 years of research into love in Western and arranged marriages.
His work suggests that feelings of love in love matches begin to fade by as much as a half in 18 months, whereas the love in the arranged marriages tends to grow gradually, surpassing the love in the unarranged marriages at about the five-year mark.
Ten years on, the affection felt by those in arranged marriages is typically twice as strong.Dr Epstein believes this is because Westerners leave their love lives to chance, or fate, often confusing love with lust, whereas those in other cultures look for more than just passion.
Interesting quote from Dr Epstein. “The idea is we must not leave our love lives to chance. We plan our education, our careers and our finances but we’re still uncomfortable with the idea that we should plan our love lives. I do not advocate arranged marriages but I think a lot can be learned from them.”
