Infidelity or cheating is as old as time and as guilt provoking as murder, as frowned upon as prostitution and as taboo as eating beef in India. A crime in a few countries and a sin in most, almost all of them accept adultery as a ground for divorce and yet it is common. As common as abuses and obscenity and as widespread.
So what provokes a married man or woman to fall into the arms of another when societal pressure and familial wrath is considered humiliating? Why does the need for solace and escape arise? What are our lives missing?
The basic human need. Everyone needs to be valued. If you and your spouse have given up on each other, the frustration alone might be enough to send you seeking peace and approval elsewhere. More often than not, a lack of understanding and empathy is all the budge you require sending you spiraling in the wrong direction.
The willing boy/girl that you met next door/online triggers the desire to escape the monotony and boredom of a committed life. You can decide on a harmless short fling though more often than not it fires up into more serious affairs and marital discord.
The part that is so tough to get right, it’s either too much or too little, too boring or too erotic, rarely is it talked about in Indian marriages. The sexual tension gives to multiple problems leading marriages to complete ruination.
Again common in Indian marriages, it breaks the woman. Repulsed by the man and refused by her own family she finds herself helpless and vulnerable. She finds herself drowning in despair and depression. Its only natural to cling to any support in these circumstances.
People at work, or in similar situations make great sympathisers. The emotional cord that you share with these people sometimes catches you unawares and suddenly you find yourself in much deeper waters than the ones you envisioned.
6. Tongue lashing:
Females are generally the recipients of physical abuse but males are sometimes verbally trashed. Especially when there is a discord between mom n wife in joint families. The quarrels can have the power to drive a human to the brink of insanity.
Seeking refuge in the arms of someone else might seem like a godsend for the sufferers.
So at some point of time you are entranced by the possibility of an extra marital affair…to provide you contentment, happiness and love which you feel have been sorely missing in your life.
But before you jump into the frying pan..its better to be wise…because most people in extramarital affairs aren’t happy. They are scared of discovery. Women are generally burdened with shame and ridden with guilt. Even with friends, the topic is taboo and condemnation is profound.
It is better to face the fact that … From soap operas to Facebook memes, there is no sympathy for being the other woman or the cheating man. The man gets away better usually but rarely unscathed.
So what does one do in these situations. Yes
Its tough to break the rut. But its easier when you understand the gravity of the situation. There are often attempts at suicide, because the entire scenario is a no win for both parties.
In India parents and children make up a big part of your marriage, they will definitely suffer. In case of stay at home wives or mothers, financial dependence might make leaving the marriage impossible.
It is not uncommon to long for alternative love it seems especially as the percentages of infidelity cases has crossed double digits everywhere.
What you need to do to save yourself
1. Improve your relationship
Friends, dates, communication. Please put those gadgets aside and for once look at the face of the person you are talking to. Leave shoptalk and have dinner together once the kids are asleep. Listen to your spouse, talk to him, even if he or she’s nagging. You are the one he married and not the bloke who is busy sexting her. Don’t let the cacophony of the world drown her pleas for time and attention.
2. Consider options
In case you are a victim of abuse or libido ( its strange how often those two go together), find out whether therapy can save your marriage before you file for that dreaded divorce. Online counselling offers practical and detailed advice and exercises to help. Consult a therapist to know how to battle the temptation and combat the monotony. Think of the guilt, of the families plight, of the havoc you are wrecking on multiple people. Don’t cut your wrist right away though. It’s likely that no one will benefit, seek out help. It can be done anonymously and kindly without judgement.
If you suspect your spouse of cheating, do not confront them unless you have a lot of proof. In case you are wrong, your marriage might never ever be the same again. That’s one situation where you need an expert to talk to.
Finally, know that it is possible to have a happy fulfilling relationship. In fact it is your right and though the world may be full of greys and chaos at the moment, it is only wise to seek help before plummeting into an abyss of no hope and heartbreak. There might be nothing better nothing greater than helping yourself and your loved one’s out.
If you suspect cheating ruining your relationship with your partner and need help dealing with it, do not hesitate to reach out to us and speak with our counsellors anonymously on Askmile.com.