To understand Grass is greener syndrome let us first go through a story. Kalpana and Ajay were married since the last 5 years. Everything was going well between them. But then Kalpana started feeling a loss of spark in their marriage. She stared doubting her love for Ajay. It had nothing to do with how Ajay treated her. It was just that she thought that she deserved more attention and she could be happier with someone else.
Her curiosity started to get the best of her and she also started feeding into some of the flirts with the co-workers, classmates. She started liking the attention she got from everybody. Kalpana would constantly compare Ajay to her other male coworkers.
The feeling of suffocation was taking on her nerves. Kalpana finally decided to separate from Ajay. She now felt like a free bird, who was surrounded by men who made her feel excellent about herself. But after some time she felt that everybody was using her and she started craving for a serious relationship like the one she had with Ajay. She wondered why she left the love of her life for this temporary happiness.
She now realized that the “Grass which was looking greener on the other side was fake”
Cause of Grass is Greener Syndrome
‘Grass is Greener Syndrome’ is basically a feeling of something missing. And we can feel that missing part all around us, except in our lives. Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher carried out a case study on marriages. They found couples from unhappy marriages who split up, were far less likely to be happy five years later than couples who stayed together. Even those who found new partners, were less likely to be happy than those who worked on their own marriages. Maybe this is the reason second and third marriage fails have a higher rate.
Grass is greener syndrome in terms of marriage and relationship is also known as “Relationship Anxiety”. One of the major reasons of this anxiety is the failure to appreciate the one whom we are currently with, and living in a fantasy that prince charming/princess of dreams exists.
Fantasy and fear are the two major problems associated with this syndrome. The fear could be of being trapped in promises, fear of monotony, fear of loss of identity, and fear of domination.
How to identify the Grass is Greener Syndrome in your marriage
The grass is greener syndrome affects couples living in a very steady manner.
If you find following signs in your relationship than it is surely a red flag-
-There is a constant nagging thought of having a better relationship. And you find someone else’s life or any other person more ideal than your partner.
-You feel that your present relationship is not capable enough to make you happy. You start fantasizing about the perfect scenarios of your life with a perfect person in your dreams.
-You find it difficult to compromise in your relationship. There is a want to have every need of yours to be fulfilled. Lack of fulfillment of your slightest need by your partner, makes you feel upset. And even if all the needs are met, you still find something is missing.
-There is a pattern in your life that you do not feel satisfied in one relationship for long. It is not that you want something better. It is you find the grass is greener on the other side, and without thinking you want to start running to that side.
-You enjoy constant change and repetition of dissatisfaction. And if you’re looking to become more secure, stable, and settled, then this is an issue to look into.
Also Read: Top 10 reasons why marriages end in divorce
How to Feel Good About Your Own Grass
Focus on your relationship
No relationship is 100 percent perfect. Every relationship has some or the other issues. Maybe they are not visible from outside. It is better to solve your own issues, rather than envying for the perfect relationship. If you keep on thinking that it would be good if you had that type of spouse or married life like your friend, the you’re focusing on unattainable goals.
Stay away from if’s and but’s
Value what you currently have. There is no ending to if’s and but’s. Choose to cherish your relationship. Try and look at the positive aspects which someone else might find greener in your relationship.
Water your own grass
Money cannot buy happiness. It actually comes from experiences and love. Try doing special things for your partner make them feel special and you will get a sure shot positive response in return. Paint a painting with your spouse. Watch the night sky. Go for evening walks. Nurture your relationship with love and care. You need to water your grass to make it greener.
Keep Positive Attitude
Keep a positive attitude. Do not focus on things you wished to have in your married life. Rather focus on things which you already have. This will make you feel satisfied. In mid of a stormy relationship of you find someone else who you think can make you happy. Think about your partner who has always worked hard to make you happy.
Do not play the blame game
Do not blame your partner for not keeping up with your unrealistic expectations in the relationship. The problem lies with you. Change your attitude for the betterment of your relationship.
“The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. The grass becomes green when we water it. Try and nurture the grass wherever you are”
-Robert Fulghum, author of, ‘All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten’
Today, as you close your day, look at your imperfect family with gratitude for all that they are. They are perfect for you.Life is a mess because it is real. If you find someone else’s grass greener than yours, either you cannot see the other side or that grass is fake.
Remember, the difference between a beautiful garden and a wilderness is the time that we spend caring for it. So if your lawn is straggly, maybe instead of leaving it, you just need to care for it a little bit more. And while you’re at it, fix the fence.
And if you do need professional help in fixing that fence in your marriage, do reach out to us at Askmile.com