A happy marriage seems almost Utopian, or is it? See if these mantras work for you!
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
“HAPPY MARRIAGE”, as we all know is a famous oxymoron, but with all these manthras, it longer will be an oxymoron anymore. Modern marriages are usually unhappy marriages. Err…You heard me right. Why? That’s another topic but how can we save our marriages from conflicts and nitpicks. What makes a happy marriage? Here goes. I read a quote the other day and something clicked me as I read it.
“Marriage: Love is the reason. Lifelong friendship is the gift. Kindness is the cause. Til’ death do us part is the length.”
“Friends are a strange, volatile, contradicting yet sticky phenomenon. They are made, crafted. Shaped, molded, created by focused effort and intent. And yet, true friendship, once recognized, in its essence is effortless”
Now substitute the word ‘friends’ with ‘spouse’.
“Spouse is a strange, volatile, contradicting yet sticky phenomenon. They are made, crafted. Shaped, molded, created by focused effort and intent. And yet, true companionship, once recognized, in its essence is effortless”.
Friendship is the elixir that will work like magic for your relationship. For those patriarchal oriented men who believe in being a master to their wives and those women who think that the success criteria for a newlywed girl is to please each and every member of the family, let alone the husband, this is for you to read!
So people! “daba kay rakhna” is no rule of thumb for a successful married life and this goes for husband, wife and the meddlers who offer such advice to the newlyweds.
1. Expectations – The key to a happy marriage
Oh my! They greatly limit the relationship goals. Trust me! Expectations are limitless and there’s no reverse gear either. Slow down the pace of expectations, try to give more and expect less of a return, believing that what goes around comes around too. If you forgive and let go this time, the spouse will surely surprise you next time, in a good way of course. That’s what friends do right?
2. Give them space
Cut them some slack. Let them be. Everyone needs some solo-time. Specially you ladies! Don’t take it personally, thinking, “Why is he silent today? Is he changing? Oh god! Does he love me anymore?”, whereas the husband is only under the cumulative effect of office work and financial issue. You are his ultimate confidant and eventually he will speak up. So RELAX! Just make a cuppa coffee for you two, bring him his favorite snack and talk to him randomly about stuff he likes. You would do that for a friend, won’t you?
2. Let go of the grudge
Getting into quarrels and fights with your spouse is quite common, and there’s no need to make a huge fuss about it. We all make mistakes and no one is perfect in this world. Try to forgive your spouse if he/her had committed any mistakes or didn’t keep up to their word. It’s going to take some time to adapt this characteristic and we certainly do know that it’s not that easy a deal. But, where there is a will, there is a way. A grudge is a worn, ugly, itchy sweater you can’t get rid of – because if you do, how will you stay warm? Nursing a grievance is part of human nature: At some point, almost everyone does it. Freeing yourself from a festering grudge that’s taken on a life of its own isn’t easy. But the relief and lightness you’ll feel are worth it.
And by that I mean an ambient communication. A spouse should never decry or rebuke openly in front of anyone, not even in front of your kids. Talk about issues that are hurdling between you two and never ever keep a grudge in your hearts. Express your love for your spouse often. Speak kind words. WALK THAT EXTRA MILE to make it a blossoming relationship. Be intentional about spending time together talking. The average couple spends only 20 minutes a week talking with each other. Turn off the technology and make it a point to spend 20-30 minutes a day catching up with each other.
4. Be patient
Patience in marriage is another critical factor for a healthy, happy, and successful marriage. It is one of those marriage lessons you will learn or need to learn after tying the knot. Patience is a virtue! Patience in marriage means being patient with your spouse, your kids, and all that encompasses it. Furthermore, it means we have to be patient with our spouses’ when they hurt or make us angry unintentionally, when our children are disobedient, and when our marriages’ are not what we want them to be. Imagine belittling your spouse or child just because you were angry about something trivial they did. How do you feel moments after? Not a great feeling right? This feeling alone implies being patient is the best solution when we are angered by our spouses’, children, or something else.
5. Appreciate eachother
Appreciation matters. Those who express appreciation with their partner are more committed to them and more likely to stay in the relationship. Feeling and expressing gratitude toward your partner has been associated with stronger relationships, higher marital satisfaction, and greater willingness to share concerns in the relationship. Appreciation is not all positive. It can have negative effects as well, such as lowering one’s aspirations. If we spend all of our time being appreciative and content with the status quo, we draw attention away from future possibilities. Be mindful of a balance between aspiration and appreciation in your life to achieve the ‘happy marriage’. Be cautious when drawing comparisons. Attempting to foster appreciation by comparing yourself with others has been shown to boost both positive and negative emotions.
Empathy for a friend? Family? Colleague? Dozens of Facebook statuses empathizing for worldwide catastrophes. Why not your spouse? They are actually the most deserving candidates for your empathy and compassion. That said, lowering expectations may clear off the vapors of selfishness that may at times blind us.
The culprit! Succumbing to your ego can bring your relationship down to the rock bottom.(some simple word here) of any relationship. Ego is that kind of sound proof, emotion proof and a blinding shield that can never let you see the other side of the fence. When ego comes in between couples, then their married life is at stake. Couples need to maintain the gap between ego and self-respect.
Ego problem between husband and wife usually arises due to fear of losing control over your partner or due to insecurity of losing your spouse to someone else.
8. Mirror yourself
Before judging your spouse, do a self-analysis. Focus more on your flaws and rectify yourself. There’s a possibility that you might be watering the roots of conflict. Few of your actions might cause your spouse to react harshly and set the relationship on bad terms. Keep a check on your tongue. Freedom of speech doesn’t justify rudeness and cussing. The wife should see if it’s her attitude, careless behavior or poor hygiene that’s making the husband repel from her. The husband should also fix their short temper, crude language or kinked behavior that is making her to drift off.
9. Don’t compare
If the husband thinks that the neighbor’s wife is more beautiful, he doesn’t know she has an ugly heart.
If the wife thinks that her friend’s husband is more caring, she may not know that he is a womanizer.
Love your spouse for who they are. A happy marriage is a constant effort. Comparison only burns the heart. You don’t know the black holes and pains of those who you desire to be or to be with.
Work one by one on each of these seven tips and you will definitely feel the ethereal positivity grooming your relationship with your spouse. BE THE BEST OF FRIENDS! And remember! A happy marriage is the favorite substrate for Satan to feed on. Beware of his sly tactics.
10. Spending time together
This is the reason behind most unhappy relationships. Research has shown that one of the major reasons that most relationships fail is because couples do not give importance to spending enough time together. We must realize that spending quality time with our spouse is like saving money for a rainy day. Every time you spend a few peaceful moments with your partner, you are building a stronger wall all around your relationship for times when a calamity could have broken it down. Furthermore if you don’t spend time with your partner/spouse you are slowly letting the distance between you grow and you’d be risking hearing (or saying) “I don’t love you anymore”.
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