“I knew I was in trouble when I was suddenly enjoying reading Fifty Shades of Grey,” she blurted out, blushing. “Earlier I couldn’t finish the book and even re-named it to Fifty Shades of Crap in my mind, because to me whatever few pages I read, were all about racy sex and no story. But now it feels as if it is fulfilling a part of me which is feeling so unfulfilled.”
She couldn’t have expressed a sign of sexual frustration better..
Single, in a relationship, or married, everyone goes through phases of sexual frustration. Some a little more than the others, such as people who’ve been single for quite sometime or couples who are in long-term relationships.
But this is a topic people seldom want to discuss even with the closest of friends or family, more so in India. In fact, people rarely speak about it even in counseling or talk therapy.
So, what can be the causes of these dry spells in your sexual life?
They can be as varied as:
- not having a sexual partner with whom you can express yourself sexually and be intimate
- having a partner who does not satisfy your sexual needs
- physical problems such as erectile dysfunction in men and low estrogen levels in women
- psychological problems such as sexual inhibitions due to past sexual abuse, or strict religious upbringing etc
- differing sex drives
- stress at the office or at home
Whatever the cause for your sexual frustration, the first thing you need to realize is you are not alone and there are plenty of ways you can help yourself and overcome the situation.
In this article, we will take a look at:
- The signs of sexual frustration in men and in women
- How to get yourself un-frustrated sexually?
The signs of sexual frustration in men and in women
Many studies show that men have a direct and straightforward need for sex and also stronger sexual drives compared to women, who need a strong emotional connection before considering sex.
These studies, however, do not represent men and women as a whole, since there are cases of women whose sexual desire is stronger than men.
Some studies also show that men and women also have different ways of getting aroused sexually. According to a study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, men tend to get aroused just at the thought of having sex with a woman, and women, on the other hand, tend to get aroused only when they are physically stimulated by their partner.
In general, men and women can display signs of sexual frustration differently.
Women can display signs of sexual frustration by:
- Fantasizing about men and getting easily triggered by skin contact with any man
- Fantasizing a lot about sex
- Withholding sex from a partner if there is dissatisfaction in the relationship
- Getting agitated, and irritated even without provocation
- Crying easily sometimes even without any reason
- Watching movies with plenty of sex scenes
- Listening to songs with sexually explicit lyrics
- Becoming moody
- Getting wet dreams
- Excessively working out to the point of exhaustion
- Flirting randomly
- Binge eating or overindulging in alcohol
- Binging on chocolates
- Nail biting
Men, on the other hand, can display these signs if they feel sexually frustrated:
- Getting angry or restless easily
- Feeling depressed
- Feeling anxious or a sense discomfort while having sex
- Feeling stressed out and dissatisfied most of the time
- Loses the desire for sex and so even gives up trying to look attractive
- Excessive sweating even without any physical exertion
- Being pushy while going on casual dates and feeling the need to get serious fast
- Sexting a lot
- Bragging a lot about the number of women he has slept with
- Getting wet dreams
Some common signs of sexual frustration for both men and women include:
- Fantasizing someone else while having sex with their partner
- Getting annoyed with everything, including everything related to the partner if he/she has one
- Not touching the partner maybe because he/she is mad as well as frustrated with the partner
- Turning to escapism whether it be porn or daydreaming
- Excessively masturbating
- Indulging in nervous habits such as chain-smoking, drinking excessive amounts of coffee
- Starting to look around at other people and finding them attractive, such as neighbours, co-workers in the office, someone at a coffee shop
- Having sex leaves them wanting more because the partner is not able to fulfill their sexual needs
So how to get yourself un-frustrated sexually?
The reasons for being frustrated sexually can be many as already mentioned above, maybe you have been single for a long time, maybe your partner is not able to satisfy you, maybe it is the stress at office, whatever be the reason, the important thing to understand is not to push it under the carpet and address it.
In this section, we will take a look at:
Keep in mind, learning to address your sexual frustration can divert your attention and yield immensely productive and fulfilling results.
What single people can do to un-frustrate themselves sexually
Here are some highly effective ways to sexually un-frustrate yourself if you are single:
- Find out what is it you want: If you are single and therefore are sexually frustrated, it is easy to go down the road of looking for some casual sex, or to get caught in the trap of quick commitment as an easy way out of the frustration. It is also easy to give up entirely.
But ask yourself what is it that is important to you? If it is quick sex with casual and willing partners, then find out if simply fulfilling the lust is enough for you or if the casual sex might leave you feeling empty and wanting a more real and authentic connection? If it is the former you have no reason to worry further and go for it, but if it is the latter then read on. Also, if you give up completely it will leave you feeling more frustrated, bitter and annoyed in general with the world. Instead of living a difficult life in frustration, anger and bitterness you can opt to choose a happier and healthy life by simply connecting with others. Read on to know how.
- Explore joining similar interest activity groups: If you are single, consider joining groups that give you the chance of indulging in activities and hobbies you are interested in along with other people. It can be trekking, travel clubs, book clubs etc. Platforms you are interested in can offer you the chance to meet like-minded people who share the same interests with you and therefore can also make great conversation partners.
- Make an attempt to be genuinely interested in people: You can start by making it a point to know more about people around you. You can also explore the idea of meeting new people every week, maybe two new people every week. Take the first step by starting an interaction with someone maybe in your office in
another department, maybe in a park, maybe in an activities club you joined, or even in the supermarket.
Everyone has a story. So, start a conversation and give the other person the spotlight. Let the other person talk about himself/herself and be a listener. Give your undivided attention to the person and ask relevant questions. Your interested will be reciprocated. While going out to meet people enjoy the process and do not constantly look to find out if the person you are talking to can be a potential date or a life partner. That pressure can kill the spontaneity and joy in creating beautiful relationships with people, which can include good friendships.
- Touch therapy: Sexual frustration, especially among single people, can express itself through the longingness to touch someone. Touch is a basic human requirement. In fact, not just human even animals need the touch of compassion and love. Single people can feel isolated when they see other couples touching each other lovingly. You can address this by joining in activities where you are in close contact with another person. And the best way is to join dance classes. Dancing is an amazing way to channel your sexual energy in an expressive an aesthetic way, apart from the fact that the human touch and interaction you experience while dancing with a partner can totally burn away the sexual frustration
- Masturbate: Masturbation is not evil or wrong and in fact can be a highly satisfying experience as well as healthy. If you are a person who feels guilty about masturbating because you think it is wrong or not normal, stop.
Masturbating is a very normal part of growing up for all children as it is a process of self-exploring their own bodies and finding out how each part of their body responds to touch, and how touching some parts provide more pleasure than others.
A child who rubs his/her genitals simply feels innocently pleasurable and does not think of it as “wrong” or “bad”. These “adult judgmental filters” are enforced upon the children by adults, and often the child ends up feeling confused guilty, ashamed and worried.
People miss the fact that adults react to the child in the same way that they saw their own parents or grown-ups around them react when they were exploring their own bodies as children. Therefore, they continue to carry the legacy of the feelings of shame and guilt and never get a chance to get comfortable with their own sexuality. They pass on these feelings to their children in turn.
Masturbation in itself is not “good” or “bad”, though in some cases religious beliefs may induce people to label it as “bad”. If an adult sees a child touching himself/herself pleasurably the crucial factor would be how the adult can approach the child and without shaming the child gently explain to the child the propriety of not touching and rubbing himself/herself in front of others. This will make the child feel comfortable in his/her own body and about his/her own sexuality and at the same time understand that this is an intensely private act.
Thus, masturbating can help you explore your own body and understand your pleasure points better and thus yourself better. Once you know yourself, you will also be confident about sexually expressing yourself to a partner when you find one.
Scientifically masturbating is known to aid in releasing stress and helps to stabilize your mood, making you happier and healthier. While masturbating you can also consider using using sex objects and toys.
- Take care of yourself: Start this by first boosting your self-confidence. Eat healthily, exercise regularly, treat yourself to a makeover, go for a massage. When you feel good about yourself others will automatically catch on to yourself vibes and see you in a new light. And you feeling attractive about yourself can work wonders to attract a partner to your life
- Try online dating: because you never know who you meet. Especially if you are an introvert online dating can work wonders, though you need to be wary and safe while interacting and before giving out any personal information.
What married couples can do to un-frustrate themselves sexually
And here are some highly effective ways to sexually un-frustrate yourself if you are married:
- Discuss with your partner: Nothing can kill a marriage faster than resentment, no communication and stagnation. And when even one of the partners experience sexual frustration all three can occur. So, make sure you discuss your emotional requirements and sexual needs with your partner and at the same time find out what your partner needs. Find out how you can best satisfy him/her. Be aware that the problem may not lie in sex but in emotional bonding.
- Invest in emotional bonding: Due to the amount of time spent together are you taking each other for granted? Do you feel there is nothing new and exciting in the relationship? After a long day at work, kids eating into your time, attending to the household chores you hardly have time and energy left to for each other. Well, the routine life can kill the spark of marriage. They say familiarity breeds contempt, and the longer you stay with each other the less sex you tend to have. So, consciously make time for intimacy. It can be stolen moments of touch when the kids are not watching, it can quick hugs and kisses, it can be leaving each other little romantic notes, it can be looking into each other’s eyes, which is known to be a powerful tool to increase intimacy. Whatever the medium of connection, make sure you spend sometime each day doing it. This will increase the emotional connection and make you look forward to the sexual intimacy with each other everyday.
- Release stress: You can release the stress by joining some fun clubs or groups together which will allow you to perform activities with each other, such as a travel club, trekking, a yoga class or maybe even a dance class together. Go to the gym together or try different workouts together. You do not know how this can add spice to your sexual life. Find new ways to connect with each other and grow. This will bring back the spirit of adventure and exploration into the relationship. The more relaxed you feel, the less inclined you will be to be frustrated, angry, or annoyed with people around you.
- Channel your sexual energy towards your hobbies: If everything leaves you frustrated do not engage in arguments or fights with your partner. Do not play blame games. He/she is not a punching bag. This will only create a rift and resentment between you two. You can easily channel all your energy at this time to do things that you love which could be writing, joining a sports club, creating stained glass artifacts, learning a new language etc. These activities can also act as releases for your pent-up anger. And you never know what you may end up creating in the process.
- Consult a doctor: If you or your partner suffer from physical problems which could be affecting your sexual life such as erectile dysfunction, diabetes, menopausal symptoms, consult a specialized doctor. Make sure you and your partner support each other through the process.
- Consider counseling: If nothing works out consider taking an appointment with a marriage counselor. You can talk to a counselor alone at first and then invite your spouse for a joint counseling session if your spouse is comfortable with it.
There are dedicated platforms such as askmile.com where you can choose a counselor for guiding you through this rough patch in the relationship. You can also consider consulting a sex therapist who can give guide you in numerous ways to make your sexual life enriching.