With just 15 days to go before her wedding, suddenly Vinita Rane (name changed) woke up at 6 am with a start. She got cold feet and decided she didn’t want to get married. There was no particular reason for the ‘feeling’. She loved the man she was going to marry so why was she in a dilemma? Vinita calmed herself down, woke up, had a cup of coffee and went for a walk to clear her mind.
What Vinita faced is not uncommon; it’s called the pre-wedding jitters. Since marriage is a responsibility, we do get overwhelmed at the thought of managing a home, starting a family and the chores associated with it.
Research shows that when we have to take major decisions, it’s exciting and we plan a lot, making timetables, working out finances etc. As the day nears, we tend to focus on negatives! Similarly with marriage, as the date approaches, a lot of doubts can muddle our minds. It could be a stray comment from a family member about your future spouse, or about some incident that was unpleasant – and you are thinking suddenly – do I want to get married at all?
If you are in a dilemma, ask yourself – what is the issue? Is it that the invitation list hasn’t been prepared? Is it the reaction that your family would have, when you tell them you are marrying X? These are small doubts.
The Big one that you need to address is – Are you in love with someone else? Does the scheduled wedding seem like a sham to you?
Deal with the dilemma – it’s easier to deal with financial issues like who will pay for the reception or where to stay, rather than have a real dilemma – that this person is not the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. It’s better to cancel the wedding, than make a wrong decision.
Some common doubts that lead to a dilemma
1. Am I making a mistake by marrying him?
Having courted each other for a few years, suddenly living under the same roof with ‘him’ could be a shock. You could be losing your freedom, he could become inquisitive and possessive – these doubts are justified. If you truly love him, these are small issues that can be addressed. Communication is the key to clearing doubts. If something annoys you, make sure you are clear from the beginning.
2. After taking the plunge, what if something goes wrong?
These doubts are common – what if he has an affair, what if he loses his job, what if we can’t manage our family – these insecurities are enough to derail you before the wedding. Learn to relax, you have taken the step of getting married because you found the person amicable. We cannot foresee the future and marriage is all about learning to enjoy the togetherness and sharing everything.
3. Did you say ‘yes’ too quickly? Were you swept off your feet when he proposed?
The thought of marriage is exciting and breaking the news to friends and family is thrilling. But when it all settles down, the doubts creep in. Be true to yourself and ask if you’re ready for this level of commitment. If you think you need more time, tell him that you both should wait for a year at least to get to know each other and plan things out.
4. Is your family creating issues?
Sometimes parents openly oppose your marriage and this could lead to a lot of stress, and cloud your judgement. He could be the best partner, but just because your parents are touchy, you could feel discouraged.
Talk to your parents and tell them that you are mature to make the right choice. Tell them that their blessings matter a lot and it would be wonderful if they could accept your partner.
5. Will you lose all your freedom? Does this mark the end of an era?
Normally men feel the pressure of being married. It would mean no more parties, no more endless television and eating junk food. It would mean changing nappies, sharing household chores – enough to give him the jitters.
Understand that marriage is a new beginning, it’s sharing your life with someone you love. To understand jitters, it’s better to understand the meaning of this feeling. Jitters means having feelings of anxiety or nervousness. It can be managed. Anxiety has typical symptoms like increased heart rate, forgetfulness, irritability.
How to deal with the jitters
–Communicate with your partner. Tell him what you are going through. He will re-assure you and that will help a great deal. If you are shy to talk about it, write it out so that its out of your system. Feelings can be purged and decreased once you deal with them.
–Eat well. Dont’ starve yourself. At the same time don’t overeat. Sleep for eight hours as this will rest your mind and body.
–Spend time with your partner, instead of stressing over the preparations. Connect with him and voice your plans and dreams.
–Speak to a counsellor for some advice and tips on how to handle the jitters. You will see that it’s something that can be resolved.
–Learn to relax – join a yoga or tai chi class. Exercise also helps in dealing with stress.
–Don’t hesitate to cancel
If you have a feeling of dread or fear, then it’s something that has to be addressed. It’s a negative feeling. If you think he’s getting married to you because he ‘needs’ someone – feel free to cancel.
Talk to someone, even an expert before going ahead with the wedding. It’s better to call off the wedding, than get divorced within a few months after the wedding. That leads to a lot of unpleasantness and sadness for both partners. We at askmile.com are always there to support you, incase of any doubts and pre wedding jitters you might go through!