“More people die from the hunger of love than from the lack of food.”
― Debasish Mridha
Do you feel lonely and unloved in marriage life? How many times have you reached out to your partner in a time of crisis, just to have her turn her back on you? Have you ever had a relationship dissipate, slowly, without ever knowing why? Do you ever lie awake in bed wondering if your partner loves you? These feelings and questions can be more than heartbreaking. In fact, they can be soul-damaging. A person who feels unloved may not just be sad or unhappy; and such feelings can lead to despair or worse.
Loneliness is a common problem among millions of people across the world. According to a study on Swedes, there is a gender difference in loneliness among married people, with women experiencing it more than men
One of the greatest perks of getting married is the whole “till death do us part” clause. Having someone who’s always got your back, a partner who’s there to listen, and a friend and lover who will cherish you through sickness and in health — or so you had hoped. Unfortunately, marriage isn’t that simple, and according to a recent study that was published in the Journal of Psycho physiology, marriage can be one of the largest sources of social stress. When expectations are not met within the union, it can lead to depression, resentment and loneliness.
Why do you feel lonely and unloved in marriage?
“They say marriages are made in heaven, but so is thunder and lightning”
If you expect your spouse to fill all the roles of best friend, emotional confident, lover, domestic partner, co-parent and your primary intellectual stimulant, you might always feel a little disappointed. Instead of relying on your spouse to fulfill all these needs to the fullest, divide those tasks among a few platonic friends. “This is a way to take some of the pressure off of the marriage and improve self-confidence too,” says Dr. Walsh. If you can start by identifying why you’re experiencing loneliness, you can move forward to the actions needed to feel better about yourself and your marriage. Here are some reasons that you may find similar to your circumstances that might be the root cause of your loneliness:
1. Bullying and terrorizing:
Your spouse thinks that he/she is all powerful. They bully you, and keep you under constant fear. Psychological and emotional abuse becomes a regular affair. You are afraid of him / her because you do not know what circumstances can invite wrath from him / her. This keeps you away from him as much as possible.
2. Hectic schedule:
A prominent reason for modern day divorces is a busy schedule of the couples. You and your man are so busy with your careers or with family matters that you hardly get any time to spend together. This creates a vacuum and time only widens that gap. When you sit back and think, you could feel the loneliness all around you.
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
– Mignon McLaughlin
3. Craving for emotional support:
Your mother is seriously ill and you are worried. However, your spouse doesn’t make an effort to ease your anxiety nor does he acknowledge the pain you are undergoing. When there is no emotional connect, there is no scope for emotional support. And when you know you will not get that from him, you prefer silence to sharing your emotions with him.
4. Rare physical intimacy:
When was the last time you got physically intimate with your husband? A naughty pinch or a warm kiss or a steamy night is not just for the body but for the mind too. The lesser you do that the wider is the gap between you two.
[ Read: How To Bring Back Intimacy In A Marriage ]
5. Lack of together time:
You are always surrounded by your kids or other family members. Or the family is so big that there is no time to steal a few private moments with your husband. Initially, you make an attempt to create some me-time for you both, but if that fails, you give up and eventually you feel lonely and unloved6. Experiences from the past:
Loneliness after marriage does not always stem from your spouse. The past events or relationships in your life can also be the culprit. According to research studies, your loneliness can also be the result of the depression or fiction with your parents or siblings, and your past relationship with them. Loneliness need not always be in-your-face. It may be subtle, or you may be too busy to understand about your loneliness. So, how would you know if you are lonely in your relationship?
Signs Of Loneliness In A Marriage:
Do not ignore the gut feeling that something is off between you and your partner. We’ll tell you the signs, which you can look out for in your relationship.
1. Did you get time to be intimate with your partner?
You can’t really remember? The very fact that you are thinking about your intimacy (or the lack of it) means something is amiss in the relationship. You may not be getting intimate with him due to lack of interest, shortage of time, or lack of privacy. Whatever the reason might be, the absence of intimacy could be a sign of your loneliness.
2. You both don’t share your daily routines anymore.
You tell him what you did through the day, he tells you about his routine, and you drift into a long conversation. This is not the case with you? If your spouse simply rolls his eyes when you strike a conversation, or is busy checking his phone when you talk to him, then yes, your communication channel is not working the way it should.
3. You forget the special days.
You remember the assignment your children have to submit on Monday and the meeting you got to attend, but you do not remember your anniversary. Special days like birthdays and anniversaries bring a spark into our routines. But if you and your spouse forget such important days, it means that you no more value them or care to have that ‘spark’ in your lives.
4. Your partner doesn’t ask you for things he/she wants.
Your spouse is hesitant to come to you for help. He might try it for himself and fail but won’t approach you. But this was not the case in the past. This could indicate a change in his behavior or his attempt to depend less on you. And why would he do that? Introspect if your response is the reason for your spouse’s behavior. Loneliness is depressing, and if it due to the person you love the most, then there could be no words to describe the feelings. But why should such feelings come at all? Nip them in the bud, and you will be free of depression.
How To Avoid Loneliness In A Marriage:
You need not have to wait for the early signals of loneliness. Learn from others mistakes. Make sure you are not falling into the trap of monotony. Make a conscious effort to keep the atmosphere at home lively.
1. Communicate.
Communication is the panacea for all ills in a marriage.
Talk to each other as often as possible. You need not have to search for a topic. Talk randomly and share your experiences of that day. Discuss the day’s news or converse about a topic that is of common interest to you both. Approach them from his perspective. That keeps the atmosphere at home lively.
[ Read: How to effectively communicate]
2. Recall good times.
Watch your wedding video or your honeymoon photos. Talk about your courtship days and all the romantic outings you both went together. The naughty or silly things you secretly did without the knowledge of your family and friends. That will make you both laugh together. The couple that laughs together stays together!
4. Do small favors for each other.
Is he struggling with his necktie? Help him do it. Is he a foodie? Prepare a delicious breakfast for him. Is he stressed out at work? Help him come out of his bad mood. This will make him look up to you. He knows he can come to you for any help or with any problem. You will be his first destination in distress.
5. Understand his/her point of view.
It is not always necessary to look at things your way. Your husband could have a different opinion. You may be irritated with your mother-in-law’s interference in a party that you have organized for your husband. But he wouldn’t agree with you. Interference for you, would be love and affection for him. Stop judging! To comprehend your partner’s viewpoint, take a couple of minutes to think.
And if you thought that the above steps would help you avoid only loneliness, no. They will also help you avoid all the illnesses you get due to loneliness in a marriage.
