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Husband behaves rudely, flirts with other women

Asked by Female, 40, Married
I am going through a strained relationship where my husband keeps hurting me by his rude behavior. Very soon. We will be completing 16 years of marriage but to me he has not changed at all. For silly and mundane reasons he gets upset and keeps hurting me. Last year when I caught him flirting with a girl since then he broke my trust and I became more conscious and aware about his action which he didn't like. I am tired of his nasty behaviour. Pls help
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Salma Prabhu
Clinical Psychologist


Thank you for your mail. 16 years is indeed a long time for one to keep trying to make things better in a relationship. You deserve some tender love and care for sure.
I can understand that you are hurting and hurting deep. Also it is great that you decided to do something about it by asking the question on this site. Many individuals go through the same without making an effort to do something about it.

During my three decades of counselling I have experienced that results come when we stop trying to look for change in others and start working towards self.
We all seek for inner, peace, calmness, happiness, joy and a meaning of life. The struggle happens when we try to change things and people around us to give us all what we seek.

I would recommend start looking at changing yourself and your perception. After all you are one who is hurt, not him. If you wait for him to change then whatever years you have left to find happiness and inner peace, they also might get wasted leaving you feeling very unhappy.

This is also a phase where you are beginning to feel the midlife crisis. This is the time when a woman feels, she has done so much for everyone, but no one cares for her happiness. It is the onset of peri menopausal phase. So all the more inner reflection and finding your own joy is necessary.

There is no point if you have to guard a relationship.

Start getting a grip on what you want.
Make ourself the point of focus. You mind, your body, your soul. Make every effort to get connected with yourself. Stop looking at what your husband is doing. Now you are the focus for yourself.

1. Make a list of all that you desire
2. Also make a list of what you want to do
3. There might be desires like learning a hobby, joining art, craft, gardening, dance, fitness, lose weight, change of wardrobe, go out with friends, travel, write, sing, etc.
4. Make a budget to fulfil your desires one by one.
5. Focus on self praise. And no need to wait for others to praise you. Mirror is the best friend
6. If you have skills, start teaching others. Share your knowledge. Join groups. Learn and earn.
7. Look for also some training in meditation and spirituality.

You shall soon see that your life and your perspective about life is changing. You shall also see that your husband is changing.
Big golden rule here is Stop telling him what he is not doing or doing. Keep telling him only the good things that he does. I am sure there would be at least one or two good things he does, or is good at. Right now focus only on that. Praise, elaborate.

What is missing in your relationship is trust and respect from both sides. These the two major pillars of a relationship besides sex and giving space.

I wish for you to find your self and your happiness.

With magical love


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