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Trust issues in extra-marital affair

Asked by Female, 40, Married
I am married to a man who is totally irresponsible, not hardworking, always changed jobs, took huge loans and never had any intimate relationship with me. But he is also heartily good. If he has money he will definitely support his family but if no then he just runs away. We have 3 kids. The first one conceived naturally. The second issue twins conceived externally. Now since 3 years my parents are taking care of me and my kids. Some years before I met my collegemate. We loved each other. He was quiet serious but I was not. I did not wanted to hurt my parents feelings as he belonged to a different caste. We fell in love again now and have become too close to each other. His wife has gone away from him with 2 kids. He told me to relocate to his city, promised me and also my parents that he will marry me and take care of my kids too. It's been 3 years he postponed because it is difficult for him to get divorce from his wife. Now he says he will talk to his parents and we will move to some other city. I believe him. But not able to ask him about what type of financial support he will give me. I am no longer able to wait now. He loves me deeply but I'm not sure what is my future. Kindly advice
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Harish Bhuvanendran
Life Coach


I read, re-read and then again read to understand the intricacy of this situation. Since you have kind of decided what to do already in your mind and wrote this problem. I think the first thing you should be doing is talking to your partner with whom you are willing to relocate with. Initiate the conversation with your current partner ask about the concerns that are going in your head.

Firstly talk about how your parents are taking care of your children and how you want to settle down where you will be doing your part, and also expect support from your partner, in that way there is free-flow of communication that has begun between both of you. Secondly try to make that talk in a way that you are not coming across as a pushy person where in he feels the pressure to speak with his parents immediately and make a move.

Even though you expect him to understand your need of doing this, you have to respect his needs too. Having said that, also once you are sure about this moving decision with him, make sure that you run by that thought with your parents, because from what you have writte, your parents are totally supportive and so caring. Try to involve them in this decision, as it will help you in whatever you do.

Hope it helps, and also please write to us at any point of time if you are still feeling that things are unresolved, we are here to work together to co-create a space where solutions will just emerge :)


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