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Husband does not share responsibility of childcare, emotionally unavailable

Asked by Female, 33, Married
I lost my mom 3 months bk . And just two days before she passed away I shifted to a new city with my 4 month baby. When she passed away my hubby did all that was required as a son in law but once we shifted back to the new city he chose to concentrate solely on his new job he was not there emotionally for me even weekends he chose to relax and do activities of his choice than sit and speak to me or share our babys responsibilities.so I have. Ot emotionally healed till now
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Chandni Gandhi
Counselling Psychologist


Loosing anyone and specially in your case loss of parent can be very difficult, it is bound to leave you with feelings of sadness, guilt, anger and bereavement, which takes lot of time to heal.

From what you have described you seem to be dealing with two things, one your mothers death and second expectations from your husband to support you in certain way during this.

Like you pointed out he seems to have done everything when you lost your mother, its only now that you feel that missing support, to me he looks like someone who does things when they are verbally and clearly explained to him, at the time of death he knew what he was suppose to do, however chances are now he does not know about what you expect and how exactly he is suppose to help you out during this time

First thing would be to express him about what you feel and how you want him to support you. you can either take him out for a walk and let him know, write him letter and give to him, or choose any other way to communicate this to him, i am sure once he knows he can support to you in much better ways.

Also as we are moving towards smaller families, what we use to expect from village, now we just from one or two people, and it is quiet some pressure, so instead of expecting only from him, you can also choose to talk to other friends and family, if not we are always here to listen to you.

Recognise that its not just you who is grieving, whole family must be going through similar, your father, siblings, friends of your mother, talk to them because they are the best people who will understand you at this point.

Listen to your body as well, when its important to heal and mourn the way you would want too, it is equally important not to physically and emotionally exhaust yourself, eat well, rest enough specially for your child, since if you don't take enough care of yourself, you wont be able to take care of others as well.

even though you lost physical body of your mother, you have lots of memories with her, go through them, share it with your friends, there must be many stories which will make you laugh and some make you cry, however these memories will be forever with you, choose to write letters to all your relatives and friends about the same, or share her pictures with them

don't stop your search for meaning, I am sure you may have many questions of why do people die? or what happens after death etc, you will find your answers in spirituality and religion, if you have beliefs talk to people who share your beliefs.

Hope this helps, and wish you may get all the strength to deal with this

we know that all these is going to take time, and we are here to help you so please feel free to contact us again

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