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No respect, trust, or intimacy in marriage

Asked by Female, 30, Married
My husband does not respect or trust me. We do not have any communication or intimacy either.
Thumb komal
Counseling Psychologist

One enters into marriage with dreams of hoping to start a new journey with their partner that is filled with love and happiness. For a happy and successful marriage, both partners need to be equally invested to work towards it. With the basic trust, respect, communication and intimacy not in place for a strong foundation, anything that is built upon it will turn out to be shaky. This is certainly not why someone enters into a marriage. I can imagine your pain and agony.

For starters, what you could try is to explore the reasons behind these issues.
Some of the common reasons why a partner finds it difficult to trust their spouse are:
inherently they find it difficult to trust others
past experience of being cheated on or of cheating (could be own experience or experience of a loved one)
certain actions of their spouse raises doubts on their mind
Sometimes people find it difficult to respect their partner because of lack of admiration for them/ they have not learnt from their parents how to respect each other in a relationship/ the marriage was not their will/ etc.
Lack of communication in a marriage takes place when one does not feel that he/she has enough space and freedom in the relationship to be able to share what is not their minds for fear of being not understood or feelings not being validated. Many a times people do not realise the importance of communication in a relationship, perhaps their family never had that kind f an environment.
So figure out what is it that is causing these issues in your relationship and then try to approach your spouse with your concerns saying that "You’re important to me and I want you in my life. However, there are some things in this relationship that are bothering me and it is important that we address them in order for this marriage to work. My hope is that we can work them out and the only way that could happen is if I tell you clearly what they are.” Then explain instances you found unacceptable to you and suggest ways of resolving those issues mutually. However, for this to work, your husband too needs to be equally invested in the relationship. Be firm while you say and explain the consequences of the same if need be.

Also remember to carefully choose your words, the tone of your voice. Often times what matters is how things are said more than what was said. It would help to use a language that conveys more of a mutual solution based approach rather than a blaming or accusatory tone that is likely to give way to conflicts in relationships.

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