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Wife unable to forget differences and reconcile with me

Asked by Male, 31, Married
I am married for past 9 months and ours was a arranged marriage & we had courtship period of 5-6 months prior. For past 2 months I am facing problems in my marriage and my wife is not living with me for past 2 months. Our parents did mediation and after disputes of both the parties were discussed, resolved it was decided that we both should forget past and give a fresh start to our married life which I agreed and my wife did not and asked for some more time which we gave to her. Now sufficent time has been given to her and still she is indecisive. Everytime I took initiative and made efforts to bridge our gap, now after some meetings our differences have been resolved and we have agreed the basic issues between us and the required changes we both need to make in our behaviour so that our marriage can survive. I have already made changes in myself and my wife knows that but everytime I am taking initiative, she doesn't support my initiative and neither she takes any initiative on her own. Due to this our situation is status question and nothing conclusive is coming. She is not giving my any clarity bit its very painful for me to continue like this when I have made all the efforts to make our marriage work and she doesn't have time for our meeting. Please suggest
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Kiran Lakhani
Counselling Psychologist


Hold on to your thoughts. I understand its a very difficult phase you are going through and you can't even see a solution. Its okay. Its okay to feel that way. While you are there, believe that things will change and change for better.

You mentioned that you and your wife have differences, you have tried to modify your behaviour and your wife is not able to take a decision yet. And you are disturbed with the hanging feeling that you get.

Try doing this,

Concentrate on something else in your life, for example, your work or your parents or taking up social work.

You have been giving too much attention and importance to the decision your wife is going to take and making life difficult for yourself. Try giving importance to something else in your life where you know if you put more attention it will help you instead of making you more and more vulnerable.

I know it is difficult, I know it won't happen instantly, but trust me you can do it. Do it gradually. The less importance you give to this decision in your life and do not wait your life to happen because your wife is not able to take a decision, the better you will feel. Live your life. That's just one part of your life. You have many things that you can do in your life. Concentrate on those things.

A very simple positive psychology principle is that, whatever you give more attention to will happen. Give yourself more attention, your life, make it happen and things will start to look better.

I hope this helps.

All the best.

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