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Emotionless, sexless marriage, no fatherly responsibilities taken

Asked by Female, 38, Married
My husband does not take up any fatherly responsibilities. We are in an emotionless and sexless marriage.
Answer
Thumb komal
Komal
Counseling Psychologist

Living with a spouse who does not care for your needs in the marriage is extremely difficult and not preferable. To top it, he expects you to take responsibility of the kids while he can choose to not contribute. This seems really unfair on you.

What could be done in this situation is that you can address few thing about the issue at hand:
What would you like to have from this relationship for you to be emotionally and physically happy in the marriage?
What would it take for your husband to cater to that?
What would it take for you to cater to that?
What is causing for you husband to not be able to cater to it? How can you help him with that?
With clarity from these answers, you could approach your husband saying that “You’re important to me and I want you in my life. There are some things in this relationship that are deal-breakers for me. My hope is that we can work them out and the only way that could happen is if I tell you clearly what they are.” Then explain instances you found unacceptable to you and suggest ways of resolving those issues mutually. Start small, one small step towards desirable change a day. you can gradually increase at a pace you both are comfortable with.
While attempting to do so, it is important that we convey our concerns sensitively and not in a way that conveys blame, frustration or anger. That is likely to escalate things in an undesirable direction.

The tone and choice of words matters a lot in a conversation and decides how the other might take it. Often times what matters is how things are said more than what was said. It would help to use a language that conveys more of a mutual solution based approach rather than a blaming or accusatory tone that is likely to give way to conflicts in relationships.
https://www.askmile.com/blog/effectively-communicate-your-partner/
Speaking in a manner as expressed above will reflect that you were being sensitive about his feelings and are open to considering his thoughts as well. Beginning by showing appreciation for his intention puts the air to ease and makes it easier to have what might seem as a difficult conversation. This will make him feel heard and also be willing to work through it with you. Be assertive while you do so.
https://www.wikihow.com/Be-Assertive-in-a-Relationship

When feeling an emotional disconnect we often disconnect ourselves even physically. This perhaps could be the reason your husband has withdrawn sex from the relationship. Hopefully when things will fall in place emotionally, it will get better sexually as well.
Here are a couple of articles to help you to begin with:
https://www.askmile.com/blog/sexual-problems-ruining-marriage-10-tips-experts-to-reignite-sex/
https://www.askmile.com/blog/sex-therapy-what-is-it-and-who-can-benefit-from-it/

You and your husband could also try going for couple's counselling which would help you both provide a safe space to be heard and work towards resolving issues in the marriage mutually.

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