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How to deal with a moody, negative, and dominating husband?

Asked by Female, 33, Married
hi..i m married since 5 n half yrs....these 5 yrs were also not that great but than also good time n bad time comes n goes....basically husband is dominating, gets angry in small small things,appreciate v less,point out mistakes from food to all my chores etc....he is v lazy n v much negative in his life...initially i tried hard to motivate him but usually he is less into listening... can listen more thn 5 sentences.... things gets better but monthly once something wrong should happen......presently i had aborted 3 days back...as we both were confused a lot for second baby....he is more into blaming me for any issues n thn dont talk to me for some days as if i had done all mistake....it feels like diying throughout these days crying alone n no one to listen my pain....was i wrong ....i told m pregnant we thought can continue this time as my daughter is 4.5 so now or no...he is like dont ask me do wht u want to do.....i m ok wth both.....but thn i asked finally what to do....he wth anger said i cant take this responsibility ,no more discussion....ok i said.went for my work ....thn he messaged in afternoon no m ok wth baby.....but the truth is he is not prepared....his mood swings r more thn a pregnant lady....i said i want all to b happy ,no tension so will decide today...he said ok thn no more discussions abort it as we both r not eager for it....i went to doc n took medicine the same day night....he could have easily stopped me if he wanted to...but he was ok...now from yesterday he is not talking to me....n behaving like this is my alone decision....i know he will talk to me in 2-3days but what about me,m in physical n mental pain...instead of sitting beside me helping me he is behaving rude....i was not getting any way to went it out..M wth him because he is a good man wth wrong upbringing...suffered a lot financially from his colg times....i thought ill make some diffrence in his life ,but because of his continuous negativity towards me i get tired having patience n even i fight back wth him whn he speaks bad words....he cares means he will wait to eat wth me untill i do full cooking,will lift heavy luggages when travelling,will speak about my hardwork to our frnds n family ....but his nature is u should not appreaciate in front...it spoils that person.he helps me in some little housework...only if it his wish n if his mood is good...say once in a month.only once or twice he said sorry for his wrong behaviour n said never leave me ......that word comes in my mind whn i feel like to leave him...but even i dont want to...i know this is high time when we both need councelling but he will not agree...how to change his nature....he is more into watching tv movies...long hours in night he will see n sleep more in morning....his job is not changing thats why also he is worried...but he has to work hard for it n study but he wste a lot time like that only...i tell him but he dont want me to guide him...
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Chandni Gandhi
Counselling Psychologist

Dear, Friend

While I read your Passage, i can only imagine the amount of pain and loss you are going through right now, i am sure you already know that its important for you to rest and eat healthy at this point of time and you must be doing that to physically heal yourself, i also understand your need to vent and talk it out to someone, it definitely is first step to take care of your mind as well, with the anger you might have right now towards your husband, it is amazing to read that you did not hesitate to point of good things that he does for you and you are not only making fair attempts to understand him but also are trying to motivate him with his work.

It is definitely not easy to loose patience and feel the way you do for anybody at your place, specially at the time when you need him as well, it is important that you process your own emotions first, heal completely and then try to explain him your view. To act while you are emotionally charged may end up not working out the way you would wish for, i know it is difficult but we are here to listen and talk to you, feel free to ask for chat or call if you need too.

When it is unreal to expect someone to change their core nature completely , it is definitely possible to help him understand you better and handle things accordingly but all this only once you feel better, like you mentioned he does not express himself much, for all you know he must be processing his own emotions as well, giving him some time and in the meanwhile dealing with your own emotions might help.

like you said you made many attempts to motivate him and also help him understand you, but it dint work out, to reflect what were the ways in which you were trying to communicate it to him, were they all same? sometimes we end up doing the same thing again and again and expect different outcomes, it ends up exhausting our energy and not giving desired result, so learning new ways of communication will help you approach him much better. also talking to him about counselling once current situation resolves might help, here you have assumed he will not agree, might be sharing your idea change his mind.

From what i understand both of you definitely have respect and love for each other, little bit of patience and work from each side will Sure help you spend better lives together, also taking care of your child at this point is important, make sure child is not around while you both have this kind of conversation, children are easily most impacted ones and looses lot in all these.

Hope this helps and you find peace soon.

Feel free to approach again if you need any further help.

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