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Possessive about live-in boyfriend, frequent fights

Asked by Female, 27, Single
I am 27 years old female. I am in a new relationship. We stay in a live-in relationship. He is an engineer and I am doctor recently completed. Both of us are hyper in nature. And I am a person who argues a lot , gives a lot of reasons and expects answers to all my questions. And my bf hates talking when he is angry, infact he gets more irrited when I speak while he is hyper. He has a lot of guy friends. He goes out weekends to booze with them. Initially I had problem trusting him. But now I trust him but I still go mad wen he leaves me and goes out to booze with his friends. I understand we need to socialize but I don't know why I am being so possessive about him. Weekdays we are busy beacause of work and weekends I expect him to be only with me. We love each a lot. Fights happen everyday and it's gone to a lot of extent since 5 months and we are still hanging on to each other. We want to get married but giving time to each other to understand things better and stop these silly fights. How should I handle situations like this. Please help
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Nupur Agarwala
Counseling Psychologist

Hi...I completely understand where you're coming from and this is not unusual among partners these days. So, firstly we I need you to know that I appreciate your awareness level and because of it, we can deal with this situation adaptively. To begin, your understanding of him and of yourself as individuals is great but maybe we need to work a little more in that aspect. Maybe till now it was okay to talk to him even when he's angry, and I understand your reasons as well, you could be doing that out of mere concern, you can tell me more about your thoughts at that particular time...but maybe now is the time to ask yourself whether you want to take this relationship forward and how, since you both are contemplating marriage...there are phases to every relationship and every relationship is unique. As far as I understand, the two crucial concerns of not getting time during weekends and talking when he's angry, stem out of the same root cause despite being independent events. You'll need to ask yourself where you want to take this relationship and why. Also, all couples are two individuals coming together, so we need to maintain that individuality to sustain the relationship in the long run, usually it helps the quality of interaction immensely. So, maybe you like to vent out when you're angry and he likes to keep mum at that time, and that's okay because you both are different and thus, obviously have different ways to deal with anger (or anything else). Now, we can start by accepting this fact and then question ourselves that if we are looking for long-term goals then is suppressing our own individuality or our partner's individuality, healthy? If not, then we need to identify ways to work on retaining or even flourishing that individuality. Secondly, we need to also contemplate on the root cause that I have mentioned above, as to the core reasons why you act/feel the way you act/feel even though you understand him so well... In the limited scope of an answer, I have tried to answer your query. However, you could take this up with our team of counsellors or take this up in our AMT session and I'm sure with someone as insightful as you, we can deal with these concerns in a more functional manner. Take care.

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