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Subjected to domestic violence
Asked by female, 34 yrs, married
I am subjected to domestic violence and other issues in my marriage. I cannot tolerate it anymore.
Answer
Thumb komal
Komal
Counseling Psychologist

Thank you for writing in to us. Recognising when you need help and reaching out for the same is the first courageous step to be able to take towards a better self.

One enters into marriage with dreams of hoping to start a new journey with their partner that is filled with love and happiness. For a happy and successful marriage, both partners need to be equally invested to work towards it. With the basic respect not met and enduring an abuse from your partner is certainly not why someone enters into a marriage. I can imagine your pain and agony.

To begin with, reach out for help- to friends and family for support, to the law enforcers for protection and legalities and to a mental health professional who can help you deal with and manage this entire process towards restoring your well being.

Any relationship involving physical violence or abuse is by definition extremely toxic and requires immediate intervention and, with very few exceptions, separation of the two partners. While these relationships are not necessarily irreparable, the option of it not being so must also be considered. Depending on whether this marriage can be worked towards or absolutely not, you will have to make a choice of either working towards the relationship or towards ending it and moving on for good.

First and foremost, inform a trusted person abut the situation. Call a helpline/ get in touch with an NGO or the police or a lawyer if need be. Equip yourself to ensure your safety when around him.
Establish clear boundaries. Be clear on what you will accept and what you won’t accept, clear in your communication and clear about who is responsible for what. Be firm will you do so.

If you believe it is unlike your partner to intentionally cause you harm, talk to him. Try to gauge what would have led them to act upon their aggression in the manner that they did. See if there is anything you can do to support them in their testing times. When things are calm, talk about the relationship. You can start the conversation by saying “You’re important to me and I want you in my life. There are some things in this relationship that are deal-breakers for me. My hope is that we can work them out and the only way that could happen is if I tell you clearly what they are.” Then explain instances you found unacceptable to you and suggest ways of resolving those issues mutually.

Here are a few links you might find helpful:
https://www.askmile.com/blog/deal-physical-abuse-marriage/
https://www.askmile.com/blog/why-we-stay-in-toxic-relationships-and-what-can-we-do-about-it/
https://www.askmile.com/blog/women-choose-abusive-relationship/

In case there are children involved,
https://www.askmile.com/blog/twelve-reasons-why-children-of-divorced-parents-deal-with-love-differently/
https://www.askmile.com/blog/parent-your-child-while-divorce/